La Douleur Exquise
by ashleyb1114
Summary: When Remus Lupin ends his relationship with Nyphadora Tonks, she is devastated. During her Auror duty at Hogwarts, she gets to know the true Severus Snape. If anyone knows about the ache of loving someone unobtainable, it's Snape. Can heartbreak and loneliness bring complete opposites the distraction they deserve? Rated M for Sexual Content/Adult themes/LA. Dedicated to Alan Rickma
1. Dark Side of the Moon

**A/n:** **I do not own anything, all characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm simply writing this story for entertainment only. Contains spoilers if you have never seen or read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.**

 **Please read before starting.**

 **What to expect: I have been wanting to write this story for a long time. I wanted to capture the vulnerability of Tonks during her guard time at Hogwarts. I also wanted to see my favorite character, Severus Snape struggle with the fact that he has to kill Dumbledore and his love for Lily. This story will have adult situations and rated Mature for obvious reasons. I am a huge fan of Remus/Tonks relationship, but while he is away I want her to find comfort in the arms of someone who understands her pain. I want to capture Snape's soft side while also in character. The two characters have to build a bond before they can confide in one another so please be patient and keep reading, I will guarantee that it will get super interesting. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Please read and review.**

I dedicate my story to Alan Rickman. You will be missed and never forgotten. "Always"

La Douleur Exquise

Chapter 1 – "Dark Side of the Moon"

Tonks decided to get an early start on packing because she couldn't sleep. Today was September the first and Tonks is to report for her Auror duty at Hogwarts. As much as Tonks didn't feel like packing or going to Hogwarts, she knew she didn't have a choice. No matter how heartbroken she is, her job is to keep the students at Hogwarts safe. Not only is it her job, it is her responsibility as a member of the Order. Dumbledore and Kingsley felt it would be best to pick Tonks for this position. She knew deep down that they were just trying take her mind off current events and figured that she needed to get away for a while.

Tonks went to her closet to pick out her wardrobe for the next three months. She packed all of her work clothes, robes, and cloaks. She also packed most of her jeans and combat boots. Tonks didn't feel much like her usual self lately and didn't see the need to pack her rock t-shirts. This was an important ministry job and she didn't want the impression of looking naïve and foolish. With that thought, Tonks looked up and saw her reflection in the dresser mirror. She hated having her mousy brown hair, but it was her true form. Her hair was no longer chin length either; it was down to her shoulders. She wondered if Remus would take her more serious now that she looked like every other adult witch. In all honesty, it didn't make ant difference what she did to her appearance; she was still thirteen years younger than him. A tear escaped from her eye when remembered what he had said a couple of weeks prior. Ever since that unforgettable night, she had been unable to morph her appearance.

*Flashback*

Tonks hadn't seen Remus since Sirius passed away. They were so happy and in love, but Remus went cold and numb since he had lost his best friend, Sirius. Remus just disappeared for several months and no one had heard from him until tonight.

Tonks was in her flat cleaning since she was going to be gone for duty in a couple of weeks. She was just about to take a shower when she heard a knock on her door. Immediately she grabbed her wand and walked to the door. They had to be extra careful now since Voldemort had made his return known.

"Who is it?" asked Tonks.

"It's….It's Remus." Remus responded timidly. Tonks' heart jumped with excitement, but she was also a bit nervous. She was a angry with him for leaving without saying anything, but also she understood completely after losing someone so close he needed his space. Tonks also wasn't completely sure it could be Remus, after all she hadn't heard from him in a while.

"How do I know this is truly Remus?" Tonks asked suspiciously.

"Ask me anything." Lupin replied.

She knew the question had to be something only the two of them knew about each other. After all, no one, but Sirius knew about their secret relationship and he just assumed. "Where was the location of our first kiss?" Tonks asked him mischievously.

Remus was really not in the mood for games, but he knew that dark times were ahead and Tonks is never serious. He responded, "The kitchen at Grimmauld Place. Is that convincing enough, Dora?"

"Why are you here, Remus?" Tonks asked with curiosity.

Remus paused before answering, "I just want to talk."

The door lock clicked and Tonks opened the door inviting him in her flat. He looked shabbier than usual and exhausted. Tonks really didn't want to give him a hard time, in all honesty, she was just glad that he was alright.

"Thank you for inviting me in, Dora, you know…after everything." Remus was always a gentlemen and very polite.

Tonks couldn't help but ask. "You just left….without a word. Everyone was wondering if you were alright. Where have you been?" Looking at him made her heartache. She wished there was a way to make all the pain go away for him, but there wasn't. She stood there with her arms crossed waiting for his answer.

Remus didn't answer her. He walked into the foyer and seemed like he was at a loss for words. He just told her, "I'm only here because we… we need to talk." He tried to keep it together, but this was just as hard for him to say as it was for her to hear it. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and… well… I feel we should end this before anyone gets hurt." His face was emotionless, what he said seemed like it didn't faze him in the slightest bit. He ran his fingers through his hair.

Tonks was in shock, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Oh come off it, Remus. Why are you really here?" She tried to play it off as a joke just hoping he wasn't being serious.

"To end this fling we have going on, Dora. You couldn't possibly believe this was going to last. We are in a war for Merlin's sake." Deep down Lupin knew it wasn't going to be easy. After all, he just told her he loved her the night before the battle at the Ministry. He does love her, but with everything going on he knew that she deserved better. He had told her multiple times that they shouldn't get involved with each other for many reasons, but his judgment was clouded by his strong attraction for her. He felt that he was finally thinking clearly and that this is the only way to make it right for her.

"Is it so wrong for me to believe it can last?" Tonks asked trying to keep her cool and not lose it. She has always had a short fuse and the littlest thing could set her off.

"Yes, it shows just how naïve you are. That's one of the reasons right there, Dora, you are too young to understand the consequences. I am thirteen years older than you. I am only 5 years younger than your mother, Dora. How does that not repulse you?" Remus kept trying to find ways to get Tonks to understand his reasoning.

She couldn't hold in her anger any longer. She hated being mean to him because he is usually a kind gentleman, but this was not the Remus she knows and loves. This is a cold hearted monster that is just trying to push her away. "I am not a child so quit treating me like I am. I am a grown woman and an Auror, Remus. Age doesn't matter to me, you know that and it shouldn't matter to you either. Why can't you understand that I don't care?"

"I DO, Dora!" Remus shouted.

"I thought you loved me. You told me you loved me." Tears started to fill her eyes.

"I know and I apologize for that. I was blinded by lust." he lied.

That was all it took to completely emotionally crimple Tonks. Unable to hold it another second together, tears streamed down her heart shaped face. She pleaded between sobs, "but… I love you… I want you. I don't care how old you are. I just want you the way you are."

Remus broke eye contact with her. He knew that if he looked at her beautiful face any longer he would give in. He looked down at the floor and confessed to her, "I know you might not care now, but one day you will. I couldn't live with myself. You deserve someone your own age. One day when you're older you will understand and you will thank me for it." He turned toward the door. He had to get out of there and fast.

Tonks grabbed his shoulder and tried to turn him around to face her. "Remus, please don't go. I love you." She implored.

He wouldn't face her. "There are a thousand reasons I should leave and all of them have your best interest at heart."

"There are also a thousand reasons you should stay. Quit being honorable and be selfish for once." It was Tonks' last attempt she surely hoped he would see reason.

"I'm leaving now, Dora. Please refrain from contacting me; it will just make things worse." He walked out of the door and before Tonks could catch up, she heard a pop and he vanished. Just like that, he was gone. The next night she went over to the Weasley's to confide in Molly about everything. Molly being the glue holding everyone together thought they could work it out over dinner the following night. Tonks wanted to give Lupin his space and not contact him like he asked. She decided to not accept the invitation and do the mature thing for once.

Tonks sat alone at home packing, where her screams were silent. Her mind was constantly reminiscing joyfully painful moments with Remus. Always the confident Tonks finally understood what it feels like to be insecure and it is eating her alive. She needed to get away from her flat. For only ten feet away was the couch were her and Remus first made love, but wait, he said he didn't love her. She noticed something brown on the end of the couch folded neatly. Her heart sank when she realized what it was. It was Remus' favorite gray cardigan and she immediately put it to her nose and was lost in a nostalgic spell. Tonks folded the cardigan slowly and put it in her suitcase. Overwhelmed with grief, she said under her breath, "I can't take this anymore" and grabbed her suitcase and thought Hogmeade Village and _POP_.


	2. La Douleur Exquise

A/N: Thank you for reading! Please leave a review!

Chapter 2 - La Douleur Exquise

"Tonks, I really think you've had enough." Rosmerta was trying to persuade her to go to bed, but Tonks wouldn't budge.

"I'm fine Mer…ta I just need to escape for a while. Another… please." Tonks was intoxicated. It was four in the morning and she had a meeting in less than ten hours. Her pain and weakness had taken over her emotions and she didn't care much about anything at this point. She was talking uncontrollably and everyone was trying to ignore her. "Why wouldn't he want me?" Am I not pretty?" she asked the old wizard next to her. The wizard gave her a strange look and continued to drink his Butterbeer.

She smelled an oddly familiar scent behind her. It smelled of smoke and herbs. It smelled like the potions classroom at Hogwarts. About that time a particular voice spoke, making her heart jump. "You wished to see me, Rosmerta?"

"Oh Severus, I need your help," replied Rosmerta. Tonks turned around and noticed who it was behind her. "She has been like this all night. I have her room ready, but she doesn't seem to want to stop."

Snape gave a snarl when he figured out who it was Rosmerta was talking about. He didn't notice her right away because her hair wasn't the normal shade of a bright color. Snape turned to Rosmerta, She had this admiring look in her eyes when she looked at him. Severus had always known Rosmerta fancied him, mainly because she had thrown herself at him on numerous occasions and only a few of them he actually gave in. Snape says to Rosmerta, "Dumbledore informed me that you needed a potion, not to deal with this."

"I knew that you wouldn't come if you knew anymore." Rosmerta blushed as she confessed.

"I believe that Nymphadora is old enough to make her own regrettable decisions." Snape sneered.

"My name is Tonks, and what is he doing here?" Tonks asked Rosmerta. Snape never left his dungeon, at least which was what everyone thought because he couldn't have any friends due to his hateful behavior, could he?

Rosmerta was about to speak, but Snape beat her to it. He informed her rudely, "I'm here because you are making an utter fool out of yourself."

"You're the fool Snape." Tonks was ready to give him a drunken piece of mind, when she felt it. She turned a bright green and stood up. "I need to go…. I need to…. I need." Like clockwork, Tonks' sick was all over the bar floor. Luckily she didn't get it on anybody.

"I'll get this Severus, please take her upstairs." Rosmerta begged.

"I'm not going anywhere with him." Tonks stated.

Rolling his eyes with annoyance he finally decided to give in. "Fine. What room?" Snape asked while grabbing Tonks around the waist.

"Get off me, Snape!" Tonks shouted making a scene. Everyone was staring at her with disapproval.

"Third door on the right, I owe you big time," Rosmerta snickered to Snape. Snape ignored her comment knowing that she was flirting with him. He had a strong grip on Tonks, making it impossible for her to fight him.

Snape helped Tonks up the stairs and when he opened the door, she shouted at him. "I can do it myself. Let go of me." Snape released her to teach her a lesson. Tonks tripped over her own feet and fell face first on the hard wood floor. She crawled her way to the bed and was having a hard time standing up to get on it. Snape walked over toward her and she screamed, "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Snape didn't listen, he just went over there and lifted her up and roughly placed her on the bed. He pulled out a small vial of liquid out of his pocket. He uncorked the top and said, "Drink this, Nymphadora." It was a vial of _pepper-up potion_.

"No, I'm not drinking anything you give me." she stated.

"As you wish, _Incarcerous"_ Ropes shot out of Snape's wand binding her. He tilted her head back and forced her to drink the silvery liquid. Once she swallowed the liquid, he released her. Watching her in this state reminded him of himself when Lily was murdered, but why would she be acting like this?

He went downstairs and Rosmerta was still cleaning up her sick. He noticed that there was a suitcase with rock bands, Quidditch teams, and Hufflepuff stickers on it. He knew exactly who it belongs to. "Severus will you please send that up to her." While rolling his eyes, he grabbed the suitcase and headed back up the stairs.

He opened the door quietly and realized that she was sobbing. He stood there for a minute to see if she was alright. He was just about to shut the door when he heard her say, "Why doesn't he love me? What's wrong with me?"

Snape didn't know who she was talking about, but he knew exactly how she is feeling. If there was one thing that Severus Snape understood was _La Douleur Exquise_ ; the heart wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone who doesn't want you. He closed to the door and headed back to the castle, Nymphadora's actions flooding his mind.


	3. Who Would've Thought

Chapter 3- Who Would've Thought

Tonks woke the next morning with the feeling that someone had hit her in the head with a stunning spell. She looked around and noticed that she was in a bedroom. She couldn't quite recall how she got there. Looking toward the door, she noticed her suitcase was sitting by the door and had no recollection of putting it there. Being completely oblivious to her actions last night, she had a feeling that she made a complete idiot of herself. She wondered why she didn't feel sick at her stomach. Typically when she has too many drinks, she always gets sick.

While trying to get her thoughts in order, she suddenly remembers she has a meeting today. She looked over at the clock and her heart jumped. She had only eight minutes until the meeting with Dumbledore started. She leaped out of bed and got dressed as fast as possible. She ran out of the Three Broom Sticks, receiving strange looks from the employees as she ran through. Making her way to Honeydukes cellar, she wondered what she did last night that would make everyone stare strangely at her. Tonks just shook it off; there was no reason to dwell on silly stuff when professional situations lie ahead. She knew about the One-Eyed Witch passageway and was in the castle in less than four minutes. Completely out of breath, she made it to Dumbledore's office only one minute late. She thought to herself, _this is a new personal best_. Considering Tonks is usually late to every Auror meeting.

She ran up the gargoyle steps and busted in loudly. Dawlish, Proudfoot, and Savage were already in there, and judging with disappointment. "I'm so sorry I'm late, Dumbledore," Tonks said as she stood next to the other Aurors.

"Not to worry dear, we were just about to start." Dumbledore was always patient with Tonks, but she is part of his secret organization. "Now that everyone is here, I would like to welcome each of you to this year at Hogwarts. The Three Broomsticks is where you will be residing the next nine months. Breakfast and Dinner will be provided in the Great Hall or in Hogsmeade paid by the school." Dumbledore picked up a piece of candy from his bowl and put one in his mouth. "Lemon Drop?" he offered all the Aurors. Everyone shook their head no and he continued. "Logically everyone knows the students will be arriving today. I will give you a task specifically for today and then I will give you your permanent job. Dawlish I want you to check all bags and students as they come onto the grounds. Proudfoot I want you to guard the front door as the students walk in. Savage, I want you to guard the Great Hall, and Tonks you will monitor the students at the train station. Any questions?"

Everyone shook their head no.

"Great! I will send you an owl once I find your permanent job. I have protected the gates and borders of Hogwarts with powerful enchantments and only the professors will have access to its doors. Should you ever require entrance to the school contact must be made to one of them or myself." He gave them all a smile. The Aurors look frustrated. Minister Scrimgeour wanted the Aurors to sneak around the castle to see if Dumbledore was up to something. Dumbledore of course knew the hidden motive behind the Aurors being at Hogwarts. "I'm afraid that's all I have to say at the moment. Off you go." Dumbledore concluded.

They all turned around to leave when Dumbledore asked politely, "Nymphadora, may I have a moment of your time?"

"Of course sir." She responded. Once everyone was out, Dumbledore shut the door behind them.

"I see the pepper-up potion worked. I almost thought you weren't going to make it." Tonks gave Dumbledore a confused look. "Oh that's right you probably don't remember." Her face turned a bright red. She was extremely embarrassed. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Nymphadora, we have all been there at some point or another."

Tonks couldn't help but ask, "Sir what do you mean by pepper-up potion?" She was utterly confused.

"Rosmerta sent me a Patronus stating that you needed assistance into bed and something to help you in the morning. So naturally I called upon Severus to help you." Dumbledore responded. Tonks could not believe what she had just heard come out of his mouth. Snape was the one who helped her last night. Of all people, she never suspected Snape would help anyone but himself.

Tonks was at a loss for words. She wished that she could recollect the details of last night, but she was trashed. Dumbledore could see the internal struggle she was facing and how embarrassing it was for her.

"I called you back because we have an Order meeting in three days. It will be held in my office at midnight."

"How am I going to get away from the other Aurors, sir? I'm sure it will look very suspicious heading to the castle at that time of night." Tonks questioned.

"You will have no problem getting away, Nymphadora. As it just so happens your duty will consist of patrolling inside the castle every night. During the day you will sleep or patrol Hogmeade." Dumbledore stated.

"Sounds great professor. Will there be anyone else patrolling with me?" Tonks questioned. She didn't feel like spending time with anyone, especially Dawlish or Proudfoot.

"Argus and Severus always patrol the halls at night. They honestly have no need for extra assistance, but the Ministry _insisted_ I put an Auror patrolling the halls at night. I guess they suspect secret activity is happening here in my office." Dumbledore winked at her and continued, "So… naturally I chose you."

"I'm honored, sir. Is there anything else I need to know before I head out?" she asked.

"Yes. Make sure you keep a distant eye on Harry. After all, he is who Voldemort is after."

"Will do, sir. Oh… and thank you for last night." Tonks added awkwardly.

"I'm not the one you should be thanking." Dumbledore smiled.

"Right, well I must go and clean up. I'll see you later."

As Tonks turned around to leave Dumbledore's office, he stopped her yet again. "Oh and Nymphadora,"

She turned around and responded, "Yes sir."

"You may find that some people around here know exactly what you are going through. That is, if you wish to confide in someone. Just a thought." Dumbledore added.

Tonks shook her head and walked out the door, down the steps, and made her way to the One-Eyed Witch passageway. She was particularly relieved that she didn't run into Snape in the hallway. She refuses to be grateful for his help. After all the times he gave her detention or points from Hufflepuff without proper reason, he owed this to her. Every year in potions he would cater to Slytherin students and deduct points from the other houses.

Tonks was a natural at potions and didn't have to study much. Charlie Weasley and Tonks were potion partners. When Snape assigned a new potion in class, she would stray from the instructions and try to brew it using different techniques. After the potion was brewed to completion, Snape would walk up to assess their work. He would accuse them of cheating and say a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor are incapable of brewing a potion of that quality. He would deduct five or more points from both houses. When Tonks would argue back, Snape gave her detention.

For five years, Snape was firm on Tonks. It wasn't until sixth year potions when Snape eased up on her. In sixth year potions the students work individually and are not assigned partners. Sure he would make snide comments about her work, but he stopped taking points away and giving her detention. She thought it was because she earned an Outstanding on her O.W.L. exam and proved that she was gifted in potions.

Whatever the reason was, it surprised Tonks that he helped her last night. When she made it back to her room, she took a shower, put on a clean outfit, and unpacked.

Once she was settled in her room, she felt it was best to apologize to Rosmerta. She was ashamed of her actions last night, but she needed to escape from the pain even if it was for one night. When she went downstairs, Rosmerta was wiping down the bar. Before Tonks could muster up the courage to speak, Rosmerta commented, "You look well considering your state last night." Tonks blushed at her comment. "You've got to hand it to him; Severus makes a mean hangover cure all." Rosmerta added.

Tonks reddened and confessed, "He sure does." Tonks walked over to the bar and sat down. "I am ashamed of my actions last night and I am sorry. I don't usually behave that way. I am just not in a good place emotionally right now. If there is ever anything you need, please let me…."

Before Tonks could finish, Rosmerta cut her off, "Oh Tonks, we all have been there one time or another. I have seen and dealt with much worse believe me. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Tonks could see that she was preoccupied and thought it best to leave her to her job. She gave her a smile and stated, "I'll see you later. I have to patrol Hogsmeade station."

Rosmerta waved and Tonks headed out the Three Broomsticks doors.


	4. Happiness in Misery

Please review!

Chapter 4 – Happiness in Misery

The Hogwarts Express had arrived at Hogsmeade Station. Hundreds of students were so eager to get off the train and resume classes. She kept looking for Harry, but never spotted him. She spotted Ginny, Hermione, and Ron, but not Harry. She found that peculiar.

She waited until all the students were off the bus before she began to panic. She looked through the train windows and noticed that one of the compartments had all the blinds shut. She decided to check it out. Once she stepped onto the train she kept casting the _Revelio_ charm and waited until she found Harry. When Tonks arrived at the compartment with the closed blinds, she said _Revelio_ and out of nowhere Harry appeared.

"Wotcher, Harry."

Tonks released a red light and Harry's body unfroze. He pushed himself into a more dignified sitting position. Tonks grabbed the Invisibility Cloak while Harry was wiping blood off his bruised face. He looked up at Tonks. Tonks noticed that the train was beginning to leave.

"We'd better get out of here quickly," she said, as the train windows became obscured with steam and they began to move out of the station. "Come on, we'll jump."

Harry quickly followed behind Tonks into the corridor. She pulled open the train door and leapt onto the platform, which seemed to be sliding underneath them as the train gathered momentum. Harry followed her closely. Tonks could see the train disappear out of sight when she turned around to check on Harry. The cold night air was soothing. It reminded Tonks of the long walks Remus and she took when they were first getting to know each other. She was beginning to feel her throat constricting with agony when she shook off her feelings and turned to Harry. She handed him the Invisibility Cloak.

"Who did it?"

"Draco Malfoy," said Harry bitterly. "Thanks for… well …"

"No problem," said Tonks, without smiling. Harry looked at her in a different way. She tried her best to hide how miserable she was, but it was hard to when she was sporting her mousy brown hair. She knew that not many people had seen her in her natural appearance, but she was too upset to care or change it for that matter. She wanted to say something funny to him, but she just couldn't think of anything. "I can fix your nose if you stand still."

Harry seemed like he was contemplating letting her to this, but he closed his eyes and stood very still.

"Episkey," said Tonks. In a spit second, his nose was healed.

"Thanks a lot!"

"You'd better put that Cloak back on, and we can walk up to the school," said Tonks, still unsmiling.

Harry swung the Cloak back over himself. Tonks realized what she would have to do, and swallowed hard. She closed her eyes and thought of a memory of the happiest she had ever felt.

Remus and she were walking out of the Department of Mysteries after guard duty. They held hands and apparated outside Grimmauld Place. The snow was fluttering down rapidly, she could barely see Remus and he was less than two feet away.

Tonks was about to walk to the front door when Remus grabbed her hand and sputtered, "Hang on just a second… I have to tell you something." He looked anxious.

"Can you tell me inside, I'm freezing?" She turned around to face him and he grabbed her other hand.

"No, it can't wait." Remus blurted, looking directly into her brown eyes. "I have never been this happy before. These past few months have been remarkable…. the best in my life."

She gave him a smile and said, "They have been for me too."

He wrapped his arms around her and she grabbed the back of his neck. They were in a warm embrace when he whispered in her ear, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Before she had time to respond, she pulled her head off his chest and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled her lips away, she looked deep into his blue eyes and responded, "I think I love you too, Remus."

Warmness filled her entire body. She waved her wand and thought to herself, _Expecto Patronum._ An immense silvery four-legged creature erupted from the tip of her wand and streaked off into the darkness.

"Was that a Patronus?" asked Harry.

"Yes, I'm sending word to the castle that I've got you or they'll worry. Come on, we'd better not dawdle." Thinking about that memory was like the _Cruciatus Curse_ to her heart. Tonks tried to think of anything to get her mind off of it before she started to cry.

About that time Harry asked, "How did you find me?"

"I noticed you hadn't left the train and I knew you had that Cloak. I thought you might be hiding for some reason. When I saw the blinds were drawn down on that compartment I thought I'd check."

"But what are you doing here, anyway?" Harry asked.

"I'm stationed in Hogsmeade now, to give the school extra protection," said Tonks.

"Is it just you who's stationed up here, or…?"

"No, Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish are here too."

"Dawlish, that Auror Dumbledore attacked last year?"

"That's right."

They trudged up the dark, deserted lane, following the freshly made carriage tracks. When they made it up to the castle gates Harry said, " _Alohomora!"_

"That won't work on these," said Tonks. "Dumbledore bewitched them himself."

Tonks knew that the only way into the castle was if someone let you in. Harry looked around for another route in. "I could climb a wall," Harry suggested.

"No, you couldn't," said Tonks flatly. "Anti-intruder jinxes on all of them. Security's been tightened a hundredfold his summer." She admired Harry for trying.

"Well then," said Harry. He looked very stumped and annoyed. "I suppose I'll just have to sleep out here and wait for morning."

"Someone's coming down for you," said Tonks. "Look."

A lantern was bobbing at the distant foot of the castle. Tonks was hoping to see Hagrid, but the figures shadow was seemed small to be Hagrid. It was not until the glowing yellow light was ten feet away from them, and Harry had pulled off his Invisibility Cloak so that he could be seen, that they both recognized, with a rush of pure loathing, the uplit hooked nose and long, black, greasy hair of Severus Snape.

"Well, well, well," sneered Snape, taking out his wand and tapping the padlock once, so that the chains snaked backward and the gates creaked open. "Nice of you to turn up, Potter, although you have evidently decided that wearing of school robes would detract from your appearance."

"I couldn't change, I didn't have my…," Harry began, but Snape cut across him.

"There is no need to wait, Nymphadora, Potter is quite… ah… safe in my hands." Snape gave her an unusual look, one she had never seen him give anyone.

"I meant Hagrid to get the message," said Tonks, frowning.

"Hagrid was late for the start-of-term feast, just like Potter here, so I took it instead. And incidentally," said Snape, standing back to allow Harry to pass him so they were now speaking in private. "I was interested to see your new Patronus."

Tonks thought to herself, a new Patronus? That's obscured, how did her Patronus take a new form without her knowledge?

He rudely shut the gates in her face with a loud clang and tapped the chains with his wand again, so that they slithered, clinking, back into place.

He whipped around causing his cloak to billow behind him dramatically, when he decided to turn back around. "I think you were better off with the old one," said Snape, the malice in his voice unmistakable. "The new one looks weak."

Instantly it was as if her veins had turned into ice. She didn't know if she was angrier at him for what he'd said or shocked at how callous he was.

As Snape swung the lantern about, Tonks wanted nothing more than to give Snape a piece of her mind, but she was a loss for words. Harry and Snape began to disappear into the darkness when she heard Harry call out to her over his shoulder, "Good night, thanks for… everything."

"See you harry."

She couldn't believe Snape had been that disrespectful. She had always known him to be cruel, but never that cruel. How did he know what was really going on? She would've thought he would be oblivious to these types of things. She then realized that he gave her strange looks earlier this morning. Tonks then realized that Snape was right. She was weak, everything about her was weak and she detested herself because of it.


	5. Silence is Violent

**A/N: Thank you to all that are reading! I would love some feedback if you have the time. Please review, follow, or favor if you want more.**

Chapter 5- Silence is Violent

Tonks was finishing up her dinner at the Three Broomsticks when Rosmerta came up to her table. "This letter came for you." She stated while handing her the note.

"Thanks." Tonks open the letter and read:

 _Nymphadora,_

 _Night patrol starts precisely at 10p.m and ends at 2a.m. You have been assigned to patrol the sixth and seventh floor corridor. If a student is out of bed you're to deduct 10 points from their house. Send a Patronus if you need assistance getting into the castle or throughout the night. I will check-in with you when your duty has concluded._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Severus Snape_

Tonks glanced at her watch and noticed that it was half passed nine. She finished up eating and made her way to Honeydukes.

On her way to patrol the castle, Tonks was filled with dread. Her goal for the night is to ignore Snape. He crossed the line by the entrance gates earlier. Even though he was right, it was still wrong of him to insult her like that, especially in front of Harry.

The silent halls of Hogwarts did nothing but make things harder for Tonks. There were no students out of bed and that made the night awfully dull. The upside of the night was that Snape was nowhere in sight.

Tonks was glad to be assigned the seventh floor corridor. One of her favorite places in Hogwarts was the Astronomy Tower. The breathtaking view of the grounds sent tingles up her spine. Patrolling the castle at night reminded Tonks of her guard duty in the Department of Mysteries. Of course the joyful memories she had from last year were now taken over by darkness. Anytime Tonks reminisced in her happiest memories, she felt like she was immediately slammed into a brick wall. Not only did her memories last year include Remus, but Sirius as well.

She decided to take a break. She stood up by the railing admiring the stars. While looking at the view, Tonks lost herself in a painful yet blissful memory.

*****Flashback*****

Tonks was trying hard not to fall asleep on her first assignment for the Order. She was about to doze off when a quiet noise startled her. Tonks stood up quickly and had her wand at the ready. She stealthy walked through the hall of prophecies. She was getting closer to the area where the sound came from and said, "I know your there, reveal yourself."

About that time Remus pulled his invisibility cloak off and assured, "It's just me, Remus Lupin."

"How do I know for sure?" Tonks asked. She was in paranoid Auror mode, Mad Eye would be impressed.

"You trip on the troll leg umbrella stand at headquarters every time you're there." Remus answered correctly.

Tonks blushed while she lowered her wand and asked, "Why are you here, Remus?"

"I was sent here to check on you." He replied.

"I don't need anyone checking up on me. I am a trained Auror for merlin's sake." Tonks ranted. Remus could see her frustration. "Does the Order not trust me or something?"

Lupin's face softened and confessed, "It's nothing like that Nymphadora. We always send an Order member to check on another on their first guard duty. I hope you're not offended. Alastor told me that if he came you would throw a fit, so he sent me."

"Well the only thing that offends me is the use of my first name." Tonks assured.

Remus felt terrible, he immediately apologized, "Forgive me, Tonks." He smiled and wondered why she didn't want to be called Nymphadora. "If you don't mind me asking, why don't you like to be called Nymphadora?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Tonks blurted. She didn't mean to sound rude; she just thought it was obvious why she would rather be called Tonks.

"I'm serious, Nymphadora is a beautiful name. It is actually the prettiest name I have heard in a while." Remus confessed.

Tonks reddened. No one had ever called her name beautiful before. "Well I think it is a horrid name. I used to get picked on at school, mainly the boys. I think it's something to do with the Nymph part."

Remus chuckled. "I could see how the warped minded would think that way. It actually means a spirit of nature, like a fairy. Your pink hair reminds me of one you know." He was so taken with her. She is a unique person and it fascinated him.

"Thank you, but I still prefer Tonks." She admitted. Remus nodded with acknowledgment.

"Well I better go, I see that you are doing just fine on your own. Sorry to disturb you." Remus stated. He turned around to leave when he felt Tonks' hand on his shoulder.

"Actually I was trying hard not to fall asleep. It gets awfully boring in here, would you like to stay and keep me company? I would like to get to know you better, Remus." Tonks suggested.

"I guess I could, after all I would like to know you better as well, Dora." Remus was worried that she would get angry at him for not calling her Tonks.

"Dora….umm...it sounds good when you say it. I guess I can live with that." Tonks smiled. She couldn't help but to grin. There was something about him that stirred the butterflies in her tummy. For the rest of the night, Remus and Tonks sat down and got to know each other. The last thing they would expect was in a few short weeks they would become more than friends.

"Nymphadora." A deep voice chimed in, but it wasn't Remus calling her name. It was Snape. Immediately Tonks' jumped with alarm. She turned her head away to wipe her tear stained eyes. "Did I interrupt something?" Snape sneered.

"Not at all, just doing some thinking. What brings you up here?" Tonks asked. She didn't want to act like anything was wrong.

Snape walked closer to her and stated, "I was coming to check in. Were there any students out of bed?"

Even though she was angry at him for earlier, she decided to be polite. He did after all help her last night. "Nope, not a single one."

Tonks saw a look of dissatisfaction on Snape's face. "How disappointing."

"You find so much joy out of punishing students." Tonks said jokingly. Snape was surprised that she was actually being civil, particularly after the way he treated her outside the gates. In his past experiences, Tonks usually was on the defensive side when it came to conversations with him.

Snape decided to return the civility and retort, "It amuses me. Doing this for fourteen years gets melancholy after a while." He knew it was completely out of character for him to be considerate like this, but he knew she was in a feeble state.

"I don't see how you do this night after night. It was hard enough being on guard duty for Dumbledore last year and that was once a week. There were times when Remus would-" She stopped herself mid-sentence. Her voice cracked after the mention of his name. She was on the verge of tears.

Snape noticed the internal struggle Tonks was facing; he wanted to avoid the awkwardness. He decided to confess, "I essentially enjoy the silence. Being around hundreds of students gets raucous, I tend to struggle getting my thoughts in order."

"I could see how that would drive you mental. Right now, I need a distraction from my thoughts." Tonks gave him a smirk. It made her respect Snape more because he didn't antagonize her feelings like he did earlier. Deep down she wondered why he was being like this.

"Sometimes silence is violent, but yet bliss." Snape admitted. There was an awkward pause. Snape did the only thing he knew to do, try to leave and avoid her. "Your duty is over; I will see you the same time tomorrow." He turned around, but before he made it to the stairs, Tonks stopped him.

She knew that she needed to thank him for last night, but was to prideful to do so. Instead she decided to ask him about when they were at the gates earlier. "What did you mean when you said my Patronus was weak? In front of Harry… earlier by the gates.

Snape turned around and answered, "All of our Patronus's are weak. They are conjured from our greatest weakness. Now if you'll excuse me, I have-"

"What do you mean by our greatest weakness? If you've bothered to listen you'd know they're our greatest strength." Tonks was confused by Snape's logic.

"They are born from love, from what lies deep within our hearts. Essentially, what makes of weak. You, no doubt, would understand that by now." Snape couldn't help but go back to his old arrogant ways. One of his provocations is oblivious people.

Tonks somewhat agreed, but that logic was against everything Dumbledore had taught her. "Haven't you been listening to Dumbledore? Love is Voldemort's greatest weakness; it's all we have."

"What happens when lose it?" Snape saw the loss of faith in Tonks' expression.

She was finally catching on. Love is the greatest weakness, for the reason that when something happens to those one holds most dear, they fall apart completely. Tonks understood everything he was saying and it made perfect sense. She understands him because she is lonely and hurt, but she would have never considered this logic six months ago. She thought, _he thinks this way because he has never known anything else._ She said, "It's better to experience love at least once than not at all."

"I have known such feelings, and rarely do I find that it works out for the better." Snape mocked.

"You talk like a Death Eater." Tonks was half joking and half serious by her statement.

Snape raised his eyebrows slowly, and his face became much bitterer. He turned and left without another word.

Tonks thought about what he said. She tried to put her thoughts in order. She didn't want to give Snape the satisfaction, but he was completely right. Why had she not seen it before? She is in love with Remus and as soon as he broke her heart she began to fall apart. All her memories of him are drenched in pain because he doesn't want her.

And then everything fell into place. He is pushing her away.

Remus is acting this way because he is grieving. He doesn't want to get close to anyone because he doesn't want to feel the pain of losing them. He had already lost his parents, James, Lily, and now, Sirius. She felt that familiar tingle in her scalp. She couldn't help but wonder if her powers were back.

When she made it back to her room she walked over to the mirror. She closed her eyes and imagined her hair being purple, but no tingle. She tried for about five minutes, but still nothing. Her hair remained the normal mousey brown she loathed.

Crawling into bed that night, Tonks couldn't help but wonder. Maybe Remus does still love her and is just pushing her away because of pain. She might still have a chance. She also couldn't help but wonder, is there more to Snape than what meets the eye. Is it possible that Snape had been in love? Tonks had to find out. What she didn't realize was that her hair was tingling because she was confident in her logic and she had one person to thank for that, Severus Snape.


	6. Anguish and Understanding

**A/N: In memory of Alan Rickman, I posted my favorite chapter so far. You will be greatly missed and never forgotten. Please review or at least follow.**

Chapter 6- Anguish and Understanding

The next two nights went completely different. When Snape would check in with Tonks it would be awkward and short as expected. They barely even made contact with one another. The night of the Order meeting, Snape was on his way to Dumbledore's office. Before the meeting, Snape wanted to give Dumbledore a potion to ease the pain. When he made it to the headmaster's office, he was sitting at his desk writing something.

"Good evening, Severus."

"Evening Headmaster, I can return later if you're busy?"

"Nonsense, I was just editing my Will." Dumbledore replied with a smile.

Snape felt uneasy at his words. He knew that he was the one that would be ending his life in less than eight short months. Snape still had not fully accepted it. Pushing his personal feelings aside, Snape pulled the vial out of his robe. "I brought a potion to help comfort the pain."

"Oh Severus, please stop distressing over me. There is no need; I'm already marked for death." Dumbledore stated casually.

Snape's expression went cold. He tried hard to resist the pain it caused him inside. "Excuse me for trying to aid you to enjoy the time we have left. There's no logic in living with pain when you have options."

Dumbledore had an odd demeanor on his face. "We? Last time I checked, Severus, you aren't the one with the expiration date." Dumbledore asked confused. Dumbledore always had a hard time reading Snape's logic due to not being able to perform Legilimency on him.

"When this goes down Dumbledore you know that I'm as good as dead. The war will begin and I will either die as a casualty or go to Azkaban. You won't be around to prove my innocence this time." Snape detailed. He knew he didn't stand a chance. Not to mention he would lose all the acquaintances he had gained as a teacher.

Dumbledore knew there is no way to convince Snape once he is set in his ways, so he didn't bother challenging him. "You're probably right." Dumbledore agreed.

"Here, just drink this. It will help ease the pain. The Order will be here in a couple of hours and the last thing they need to see is their leader in discomfort. Times like these people look to their leaders for strength." Snape demanded as he handed Dumbledore the goldish liquid vial. Dumbledore drank the potion and Snape could see his body relax.

"You are a great person, Severus. Why can't you make the best of the time you have left?" Dumbledore asked.

"How am I to do that?" Severus replied cynically. He didn't know where to begin. He has nothing and no one. Everyone, a part from Death Eaters hates him and he knew why.

"Well for starters you can talk to someone. Let someone besides me, see the good in you." Dumbledore stated.

"Why so they can expect good from me? Pardon me Headmaster, but I don't want to live up to someone's expectations just to disappoint them." Snape answered darkly.

"It doesn't hurt to give it a try." Dumbledore responded with a grin.

"I'll see you at the meeting." Snape stated. He spun around dramatically and left Dumbledore's office, his robe swaying behind him.

It was nearly midnight and Tonks made her way through the One-Eyed Witch passageway heading to Dumbledore's office for the meeting. She wondered nervously if Remus was going to be there. When she arrived almost everyone was there. Tonks looked around and noticed that Remus was absent. She was in a way relieved, but also downhearted. She actually hoped there was still a chance to win him back.

Tonks was on her way to Molly when Dumbledore spoke, "While we wait for my staff and others, I would like to welcome you all…Ah Severus, Minerva, Hagrid did you have any trouble letting people into the grounds." Tonks looked up and saw Snape, Hagrid, and Professor McGonagall walk through the door.

"No, we just had to use the back gate by Hagrid's." McGonagall replied.

"Aurors are all over the place." Hagrid added.

Tonks immediately felt as though her body was plunged into ice water. Following Snape was Remus Lupin. He looked terrible. He had a grey like complexion. Tonks immediately realized the full moon must be tomorrow night. They locked eyes for a brief second, and then he turned his head. Tonks tried not to stare at him, but found it extremely difficult. What Tonks didn't realize was that Snape couldn't keep his eyes off of her.

Snape could see the pain and lust flow through her body. He knew exactly what that felt like. All those years he spent aching over Lily as she fell in love with his worst enemy, knowing it was his stupidity that pushed her into Potter's arms. Watching someone else go through the same situation was almost as painful as going through it all over again.

"Thank you all for coming tonight. At this point, nowhere, but Hogwarts is safe. At any time we can be followed or discovered. On that note, Alastor wishes to say a few words." Dumbledore stated as he turned to Moody.

"Thanks Albus. Make sure you have the right enchantments over your home. Also never send any messages through post. Your Patronus is for all means of communication to Order members. There are too many death eaters in high ranks in the Ministry. Trust NO ONE, BUT other Order members. Always ask your chosen security questions to ensure they are truly themselves." Moody rambled then sat down without a proper sign off.

Dumbledore gave a nod, "Thank you dear friend. Now, Severus is there any particular news you have from the Death Eaters?"

Snape stood up and informed, "As of now, the Dark Lord is recruiting. He has already acquired Ogres and Dementors on his side. The giants are still torn between sides. He is having Death Eaters follow and capture ministry officials to gain followers from fear or the _Imperius_ curse. Caution to all, never travel alone."

"Thank you Severus. How is the progress with the werewolves, Remus?" Dumbledore asked.

"No luck yet. Fenrir Greyback is promising them a lot of incentives for joining the Death Eaters. There are still maybe some wolves out there that we might be able to persuade."

"What kind of incentives is he promising them?" McGonagall questioned.

"Full range to hunt wherever and whoever they desire." Remus answered with an uncomfortable disgusting look on his face."

"Thank you for your sacrifices Remus." Dumbledore added.

A few others talked before the meeting was at a close. As soon as Dumbledore finished the meeting, Remus headed straight for the door. Snape had to report to patrolling the hall and left right behind him. Snape wanted to say something to him, but refrained. They walked in different directions when Snape heard Tonks' voice.

Tonks noticed that Remus was nowhere in sight. She couldn't believe that he would just leave without a word to her. Tonks couldn't ignore him she had to speak with him. She ran down the hall after him. "Remus… Remus….. REMUS!" He finally turned around with annoyance. "So you're just going to leave without saying a word to me?" Tonks confessed.

Remus turned around admitted, "I thought it would be easier if I just left."

"How would that make anything easier?" Tonks questioned with confusion.

Without eye contact, Remus explained, "I don't want to give you false hope. I thought you would understand."

"I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Now you don't even want to be friends, or even acknowledge my existence for that matter. What else do you want to take from me?" Tonks cried. Tears were filling her eyes.

"I don't want to take anything from you Dora. I just want you to move on and understand that it's better off this way. As long as I am a part of your life you will never move on."

"What if I don't want to move on? Maybe I only want you. Maybe there isn't room for anyone else." Tonks pleaded in between sobs. "I know you are pushing me away because you don't want to lose anyone else, but I can't live without you."

There were many things he wanted to say. It pained Remus to bottle up his feelings for her. It took every ounce of his being to not grab her and comfort her. What crimpled him even more was the fact that he had to crush her already vulnerable state. "You just have to get over it. Don't you see? I don't want to be a part of your life."

Tonks lost all control and shouted, "I am in so much pain. You are in my every waking thoughts and haunting my dreams at night. Why can't you see that you're tearing me a part?"

He lost all patience. How could she be this immature? He confessed harshly, "Open your eyes, Dora. I'm hurting too. You deserve better than me. I can't provide for you. I can't give you a family. I'm too old, too poor, and too dangerous. You deserve everything in life including someone whole, not used up like me. I will not deprive you any longer. I'm choosing this for you and I will not change my mind."

"What gives you the right to make decisions for me?" Tonks ordered.

Remus finally broke. A tear streamed down his cheek and he pretended not to notice. "One day when you move on and you'll realize just how right I am. Until then, stay away from me."

Tonks was speechless. Before she could get ahold of herself, he turned around and walked away. As he disappeared into the distance, she fell to her knees and buried her face into her palms. Snape couldn't help but eavesdrop in the adjacent hallway. He wanted to help her get as far away from here as possible. All the sudden, he heard talking down the hall. The other Order members were leaving Dumbledore's office. He contemplated helping her, knowing full well that the Order members had to walk down this way. Without thinking… he walked up behind her and helped her off the ground.

"C'mon Nymphadora, get up. Let's get you out of here before someone sees you." Snape demanded.

Tonks was so disoriented that she didn't even realize what was going on. Snape held her around the waist and guided her to his new DADA office, knowing it was the closest private location to hide. He sat her down at his desk and pulled out his wand. _Accio_ mead… As fast as the incantation left his lips a bottle of scotch appeared in his spare hand. He opened the bottle and sat it on the table. They locked eyes with understanding and he left the room without another word.

Tonks grabbed the bottle of mead and pressed it to her lips. She couldn't even taste it; the mead went down as smooth as silk. A bottle of mead and an hour later, Tonks was passed out on Professor Snape's desk.

After his guard duty he stopped in to check on her. To be expected, Tonks was exactly how Snape thought she would be. He picked her up in a cradled position and carried her to his private quarters. She kept mumbling repeatedly, "It's not fair." He placed her on his couch; he knew she would find it strange to wake up in his bed. He sat a vial of pepper-up potion on the coffee table next to her that read, " _Drink this_."

He covered her up with a blanket, but before he left her side, she slowly grabbed his hand and whispered, "Thank you."

Not used to this sort of act of kindness, Snape didn't respond. Her hand went limp again and he walked away to his bedroom. Memories flooded his mind of when he was in this situation and how he wished someone would've been kind enough to help him in his time of anguish.


	7. The Emotion of Lavender

Chapter 7- The Emotion of Lavender

The next morning Snape was heading out of his personal quarters when he noticed that Tonks was still asleep on the couch. It was out of character for Snape to intervene last night, but he couldn't help himself. He knew how desperately she needed him and felt obliged to help her. After all, he couldn't just leave her there sulking in the hallway.

Snape didn't quite understand why Remus would be that callous to her. Sure she was maddening and immature at times, but he considered Tonks a good hearted person. After all, she is only twenty-four years old. Snape has never cared much for Remus, how could he? He was best friends with James Potter and Sirius Black, Snape's enemies. As far as Snape could remember, Remus had always been a nice guy. When Remus was a professor here, Snape was awfully rude to him and even got him fired. Yet Remus still is civil and professional with him after that.

In a way, Snape agreed with Remus' logic. She could do much better for herself by not ending up with him. Snape stopped, wondering why on earth he was dwelling on this; it was not any of his business. He shook it off and continued his way to the Great Hall for breakfast. He couldn't help but dread the day just as much as the night ahead. Facing Tonks after last night was going to be awkward, but he knew they have to discuss it.

Tonks woke up to her head feeling as if someone hit her with a stunning spell. Before she could muster up the strength to open her eyes, she felt her mouth begin to water. She immediately stood up and realized she had no idea where she was. She was confused and ran to the nearest rubbish bin before sick spewed everywhere.

Once she finally finished, she remained on the floor. She was sitting there slumped over the rubbish bin and looking around the room. She couldn't help but wonder _where am I?_ With that thought she looked up to view her surroundings. She couldn't help admiring the striking décor of the room. It had a cozy sophisticated atmosphere about it with a scent of firewood and old books filling her nostrils. She stood up and began observing the paintings and books. All of the paintings looked dark and dreary except for one. It was a painting of a beautifully sunlit hill with a large tree on top. The painting looked as though it was painted from a sentimental memory. Tonks couldn't help but admire its beauty. She decided to sit down on the black leather couch. She was about to prop her feet up when she noticed a small vial on the coffee table. She read the note attached to the vial, _Drink this_.

Instantly a heart sinking feeling filled her. She put pieces of her memories together and realized her location. She was in the chambers of Severus Snape. The last memory she had last night was Snape guiding her into his office and handing her a bottle of mead. She must have passed out and he brought her here. Without a second of hesitation, she grabbed the vial of liquid and hurriedly left the room. She didn't want Snape returning while she was still there. She made her way to the secret passage way, keeping her head down so students wouldn't notice her. When she made it to the One-Eyed Witch statue she gulped down the potion and felt instantly better. Immediate relief filled her, not only from the potion, but the fact that no one spotted her leaving Snape's chambers. When she made it back to her room she couldn't help but worry.

After this morning's events, Tonks felt the need to shower. After turning on the water, she wished she could wash away her sorrow. When she stepped into the steaming stream she took a deep relaxing breath. She didn't know what it was that made her feel at ease, but she felt nurtured. It was nice to have someone there to comfort her in her moment of vulnerability, even if that person was Severus Snape. Snape deserves more than just thanks; she owes him an apology for misjudging his character.

After finishing his dinner, Snape walked to his living quarters. Convincing himself he only wanted to go there to freshen up, but in all honesty he wanted to see if Tonks was still there. When he made it to his chamber door, he paused just before entering. He couldn't help but ponder _What if she is still there? What am I to say to her?_ He decided to get over it and turned the knob. The door creaked as it opened and he immediately noticed that someone was there, but it wasn't Tonks.

"Me so sorry, Professor Snape, I'm almost finished I promise." The elf trembled.

Snape noticed that the elf was cleaning out his common room rubbish bin. "No need to apologize, I just came in to check on something." Snape responded. Snape looked around with a disappointed look on his face.

"Do you mean Miss Tonks, sir?" the elf replied with a grin.

Snape was worried that the elf might of saw her in here earlier and could easily go running his mouth to others about Tonks staying in his chambers last night. "What makes you suggest that?"

"Oh…please forgive me…. sir. I assumed you knew." The elf looked frightened. Snape didn't know what it was about the elf, but he looked familiar.

"Assumed I knew what?" Snape questioned rudely. Snape didn't like when people assumed he knew something that he was never told.

The elf answered, "Miss Tonks sent me a request to clean your chambers, sir."

Snape thought it was nice of her to clean up after herself. Snape nodded his head and walked back out the door. He headed to the dungeons to begin his patrolling.

During tonight's duty Snape had taken fifteen points from Hufflepuff because he found two students fooling around in the broom cupboard. The familiar pain in his heart came to surface when he remembered the time Lily kissed him in the exact broom closet. Nothing can compare to the pain of having someone in your heart, but can never have them in your arms. There was nothing he wanted more than to hold Lily one last time and apologize for every wrong he had ever did to her. So many regrets he wished he could take back. He knew that words could only be forgiven, never taken back, and Lily made it clear that she would never forgive him. Snape realized he was about to drift into a treacherous state of mind. He took a deep breath and cleared his mind of all dark thoughts. He put his feelings aside; an art that has taken him his whole life to learn.

The night progressed and there wasn't another student out of bed. It was nearly two o'clock and he needed to check-in with Tonks. He hoped that her night went a lot better than his. Making his way up the moving staircases, he felt an odd feeling. A feeling he had not felt in a long time, anxious. Snape couldn't help but wonder, " _Why am I anxious about meeting up with Tonks?_ " He continued to ponder over a solution, when he made it to the seventh floor corridor. As he walked around to find her the more uneasy he felt. He turned the corner near the Room of Requirement when he felt something hit him. Tonks had walked straight into him. He grabbed her waist before she fell onto the ground.

"I am so sorry. I heard footsteps and thought it might have been a student out of bed." Tonks apologized while they were in an awkward embrace. Snape immediately pulled away from her like she was some kind of disease. "Do I disgust you that much?"

Snape didn't know how to respond. He thought it best to keep his mouth shut. Trying to change the topic he asked, "Anything to report?"

"Not a thing. It's a bummer really. Did you get any action tonight?" Tonks questioned him jokingly.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape sneered. He was confused by her wording.

Tonks didn't realize how inappropriate her question sounded until now. Her face reddening she apologized, "Oh my goodness, I didn't mean it like that…. what I meant to say was…Were there any students out of bed?" Tonks looked down at the ground not knowing how he was going to respond.

"Well… two Hufflepuff's managed to… how did you say it? Get some action." There was a confused look on her face. "I found them in a broom cupboard." Snape clarified. A smirk appeared on his face.

Tonks giggled, she couldn't believe what she was witnessing. Sour Grape Snape was actually smiling and even made her laugh. "Wow you do have a sense of humor. I would've never guessed it…with that dark exterior of yours." She teased. Her scalp tingled for a second and Snape's eyes move to her hair.

He noticed that her hair changed to a light shade of purple. "You seem to be feeling better, Nyphadora."

"It's weird; I actually had a pretty dull day." She looked slightly embarrassed.

"I see. Well I must be going. I'm pleased you're feeling better. " Snape stated, he tried to leave the awkward situation as fast as possible.

"I realized I never truly thanked you… you know," Tonks confessed. Snape turned around and their eyes met with mutual understanding. "…for my behavior at the Three Broomsticks and for last night. I have… kind of lost myself through all of this… and… it was nice to have someone be there for me. Not to feel alone for once. Thank you for everything." Snape gave her a nod and was about to leave when she added, "I also want to apologize."

A look of confusion crossed Snape's face as he asked, "Apologize for what?"

"For not giving you enough credit all these years. You are actually a great person. I am sorry for misjudging you."

With a look of disbelief, Snape was flabbergasted. He decided he needed to give her advice. "A word of advice, if I may."

Tonks nodded with agreement.

"You haven't lost yourself, pain is changing you…And if you don't mind me saying, I agree with Lupin." Tonks couldn't believe he could agree with Remus. She was about to give him a piece of her mind when he added, "You do deserve much better than him." A smirk appeared on her lips.

"Goodnight Nymphadora. I'll see you tomorrow." He was about to turn around but decided to add, "Oh and lavender has always been my personal favorite on you." He turned and proceeded down the hall as his cloak bellowed behind him dramatically.

Tonks stood there dumbfounded. On her way to the passageway she saw her reflection in a window. She did a double-take when it dawned on her what Snape meant. Her hair was no longer mousy brown, it was lavender. How come Snape was the one to help her find her way back to herself? What is it about him that makes her feel nervous? All night long Tonks could not stop thinking about Snape. There was just something about him she couldn't shake off.

Snape also couldn't sleep. He just laid there staring at the celling. He couldn't get Tonks out of his mind. In his deep thoughts he grasped why she made him nervous. He knew that he was beginning to actually enjoy her presence.

That night they were both grateful for each other. It was pleasant to not think of the people who caused them pain.


	8. Curiosity Is Not A Sin

**A/N- This is when things are starting to get juicy! Thank you to all are reading my story. I love feedback and I would love to know your thoughts about the story so far. "Curiosity is not a sin... But we should exercise caution with our curiosity...yes, indeed."-J.k. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.**

Chapter 8- Curiosity Is Not A Sin

Two months had gone by and Tonks was still having trouble coping with Remus leaving her. She had spoken with Molly at every Order meeting since. Molly would either say, "Give Remus some time, he'll come around." Or, "In time it will get better, you'll see." Tonks knew that Molly was experienced and thought of her as another mother, but something about her advice seemed too hopeful. Remus was only at one Order meeting during the last two months. Tonks didn't say a word to him just like he requested. He looked weary and tattered; this mission was taken a toll on his condition that much was obvious. She yearned to embrace and take care of him, but she knew that was just a fantasy. For in reality, Remus didn't want Tonks a part of his melancholy life.

As of lately, her patrolling at night became even more boring than usual. Since the one night she thought Snape and her became closer must have actually pushed him away. He rarely checked-in with her at all currently. When Snape would check in with her, he would be very short and distant. Filch would check-in with her instead. Tonks preferred Snape over awkward Filch any day. Tonks often wondered if she said or did anything that would have upset him. She didn't know, but at tonight's duty she decided she would be the one who went to him instead of the other way around. She had to find out what his deal was. She was starting to enjoy their late night conversations. It made her feel as though it was natural to behave this way. Also he helped her get her mind off of Remus for a change.

There was a Hogwarts faculty meeting directly after dinner. Snape and all the other Hogwarts professors met in the Transfiguration classroom. Snape actually enjoyed staff meetings as it was a time to chatter about students and share humorous stories.

"Severus, I saved you a seat." McGonagall shouted from across the classroom. She motioned for him to join her. Out of all the professors, Snape respected McGonagall the most. Snape walked over to her and took a seat beside her. "You look absolutely exhausted, have you had any sleep?"

"Not much. I get summoned at the strangest of times lately." Snape grabbed his forearm where the mark was hidden beneath his sleeve.

McGonagall gave him a look of sympathy. She put her hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "Would you like for me to cover your patrolling tonight? Speaking of patrolling…" McGonagall looked at her watch and continued, "What time do you need to meet Tonks to let her in?"

"I wouldn't know seeing as I have never assisted her into the grounds. What time do you usually let her in?" Snape questioned.

"I also have never helped her. I always assumed you were the one." McGonagall replied confused.

Snape stood up to ask the other professors, "Which one of you has been helping Nymphadora into the school grounds?" The professors gave him muddled looks. "Surely someone has been letting her in." No one said a word. He sat back down and said to McGonagall, "I guess I'll have to ask her tonight."

"Are you sure you don't want me to cover your duty?" McGonagall offered. Snape noticed the concern on her face.

Snape was grateful to have a colleague like Minerva, but he didn't want to abandon his duty. "I'm positive, but thank you for offering." Snape did not want to seem lazy or weak. When he takes responsibility for something he always gives it his all.

"If you ever need assistance or help with anything, I would be honored to assist you." McGonagall added. She gave him a sympathetic grin and patted his shoulder to comfort him. Snape never liked to be touched, but something about her gave him motherly ease. They had developed a strong bond over his teaching years. He could honestly say that she was probably his closest true friend.

Dumbledore arrived and the meeting began.

The halls were silent and Tonks could barely stay awake. Keeping a close eye on the clock, she wanted to make sure she didn't miss Snape patrolling the halls. The last two months had been difficult for Tonks. Every night she would sleep in Remus' gray cardigan and relish in his scent. She missed those few nights when Snape distracted her thoughts. There was something about the way he challenged her feelings that made her want more. Tonks wanted a distraction and he seemed to fit the part. She worried that Snape noticed the connection as well and that was the reason for his distance the past two months. It was driving Tonks mental. She desperately wanted to get to the bottom of it.

This time she wanted to be the one to check-in with him. When the time finally arrived Tonks headed straight for the dungeons. Before she made it to the end of the seventh floor corridor Snape appeared. He looked exhausted.

"How did your night go?" asked Tonks. He looked as though he had a rough night.

"Uneventful, and yours?" Snape replied. He could barely keep his eyes awake.

"Same." Tonks knew she couldn't hold her tongue much longer and asked, "Have you been avoiding me?"

Snape made a sour face and inquired, "What would make you assume that notion?"

"Well…" Tonks was at a loss of words. She decided to just open up to him. "I thought we were getting along and then I haven't seen or heard much from you in two months. I was just wondering if I did something."

"I have more imperative matters to attend to other than patrol duty, Nymphadora. I thought you of all people would understand the toll one suffers through living a double life." Snape barked. Sometimes he couldn't help but be snarky, but he was going through mental and physical turmoil. He noticed the red fill her cheeks when he felt he was being harsh. "Forgive me; I'm just a bit overwhelmed at the moment."

"I understand." Tonks never thought about what Snape must be going through. Last year it was difficult for Tonks to be a member of the Order and an Auror. She had to lie to her job every day because she knew where Sirius was hiding. It was exhausting. She couldn't imagine being around You Know Who during these troubling times. "If you ever wish to talk to someone about it, I'm all ears. After all I do owe you one for helping me."

Snape didn't notice Tonks appearance until now. Her hair was back to its mousy brown and she looked unhealthy thin. "How are you holding up? That is… if you don't mind me asking."

"I've been better." Tonks gave a fake grin. There was no hiding her grief; she was a walking shame every day. Tonks had never shown her true form to anyone and now that her powers were inexistent everyone could tell she was hurting.

"Haven't we all." Snape replied.

"At least you can mask your feelings; mine are exposed for the world to see." Tonks stated.

Snape understood exactly what she meant. He chose to hide his agony through malice and pride, but there was no way of hiding Tonks' pain. Especially when everyone was used to seeing her cheerful with bright colored hair. Trying to change the subject he decided to ask, "Who's been aiding you into the castle at night?"

"Well in all honesty, answering your question will go against everything I stand by." Tonks joked. She couldn't help but smile.

Snape gave her an apprehensive expression, "Meaning?"

"You're the last person I would ever disclose my mischievous secrets to." She enjoyed torturing Snape.

"Oh come off it, Nymphadora. You are not a child anymore. Stop playing those foolish games with me. Now tell me how you are getting into the castle." Snape questioned directly. His strong unique voice was freighting and yet, mesmerizing.

"Ugh…if you must know, I use a secret passage way." Tonks confessed.

Overcome with satisfaction, Snape craved to know the whereabouts of the last known passageway to Hogsmeade. He would seal it up just as he did the others. "As a professor and Hogwarts protector I demand you tell me its location at once."

"No can do." Tonks replied relaxed.

Snape asked with annoyance, "Oh really and why is that?"

"Because Snape, you are a rule breakers nightmare. I would be betraying not only myself, but other trouble makers as well. I refuse." Tonks crossed her arms and stood with smugness.

This infuriated Snape, he knew she would never give up the information willingly. He decided to use Legilimency; he conjured the incantation in his mind. _Legilimens._

Tonks felt a tingling inside her brain as confusion suddenly took over her mind. This wasn't the first time Tonks had felt that feeling before. After all, Moody was her mentor and of course he taught her Occulumency. When she immediately realized what Snape was doing. She used Occulumency to push him out of her mind. But before she pushed him out, Snape saw a short memory. Tonks was wearing what Snape believed to be Remus' cardigan. Her face was buried into it, sobbing.

"You slick git! How dare you try to read my mind!" Anger filled Tonks. Astonished beyond belief that Snape would try to invade her thoughts.

"I'm sorry, but it is crucial that you inform me the passageway's whereabouts."

Tonks gave him a suspicious look. "Why is it so important?"

Snape didn't just want to make the students, such as, Potter, suffer. He knew that the Death Eaters will be looking for any possible way to infiltrate the school. "As we speak, Death Eaters are searching for every possible way to raid Hogwarts. If a Slytherin student were to find out about the passageway, all they would have to do is notify their parents."

Tonks gave him a look of suspicion "I see your point, but that doesn't make it alright for you to use Legilimency on me." Tonks added. She cared about the students at the school and the last thing she would want is Death Eaters to harm anyone on her watch.

This was the first time where Snape was caught red handed using Legilimency. He was humiliated. Overcome with shame, Snape decided he needed to apologize to her. "You're right and I'm sorry. I honestly do not know what came over me. There is no excuse for my actions."

Tonks couldn't believe what she was witnessing. Severus Snape was actually apologizing to her. "I forgive you, but this makes us even."

Snape nodded in agreement.

She had an epiphany. This was her chance to finally get to know the true Severus Snape. "I'll tell you what, Snape. I'll give you the passageway's location for something in return."

"Really and what might that be?" Snape looked unconvinced.

Tonks had a mischievous look on her face and enlightened, "You must answer ten personal questions about yourself."

Snape was astounded. "I will do no such thing. Unlike yours, my life is private."

Tonks gave it a shot. She said casually, "It was just a suggestion. Goodnight Professor."

Tonks turned to walk away. He obviously wanted the location desperately. Why else would he try to read a trained Auror's mind? While walking down the hall, Tonks could feel the burning stare from Snape. Tonks was always good at mind games with men and usually got her way.

Snape was torn. He desperately craved the location, but he wanted his personal life to remain private. The last person he shared his feelings and desires with was Lily. As he watched Tonks descend down the hallway, he could hear Dumbledore's voice replay in his head. _"Let someone besides me, see the good in you."_

Snape took a deep breath. "Five." Snape demanded loudly.

Tonks turned around, haughtiness written on her face. "Twelve, seeing as you just tried to read my mind." Tonks shouted.

Snape rolled his eyes and agreed, "Fine, ten it is. I must inform you that I have to keep some business private, seeing as you're an Auror and I am…. well… a Death Eater."

Tonks nodded. She wanted to know about his personal interest not his work involvement. She wanted to get to know the real Snape, the one no one knows about. "I completely understand. Besides, I have no desire to meddle in your work life." She giggled. Tonks could tell Snape was full of unease.

"When will this… meeting take place?" Snape questioned. He tried to make it seem as professional as possible, but was filled with dread.

"Since tomorrow is Saturday, how about after patrolling?" Tonks asked calmly, she tried to hide her excitement.

"That will suffice. Meet me in my chambers after duty." Snape informed. He couldn't help but think how unprofessional this was feeling.

"I'll bring the Firewhisky." Tonks added eagerly.

Running his hand through his hair, he looked worried. He responded uncomfortably, "Until then, I bid you goodnight, Nymphadora."

Snape and Tonks had conflicting feelings about tomorrow night. Tonks was looking forward to solving the mystery of Snape, as well as getting her mind off Remus. Whereas, Snape was tense and dreading the get-together. Neither of them had a clue what tomorrow night had in store for them.


	9. Warmth From the Firewhiskey

Sorry for the wait! I promise this chapter will not disappoint! Please leave feedback. I want to know if you are at least liking it and want more. This chapter is the spark of their relationship, it all starts here. Please review or at least follow!

Ch 9 – Warmth From the Firewhiskey

Early Saturday morning, Snape was brewing a potion. There was nothing Snape enjoyed more than breathing in the fumes of an advanced potion in the morning. Dumbledore had asked him to brew a fresh draft of Wolfsbane for Lupin. Snape knew that Lupin's mission was dangerous and if he didn't have control over himself during the transformation, there was no telling what he would be capable of. In all honesty, Snape could care less about Lupin's well-being. Since Lupin is an asset to the Order, Snape felt that it was his duty to help him through these grim times. Snape also relished the fact that Lupin had to depend on him to brew the potion in the first place.

As the potion neared completion, a flapping noise startled him. When Snape turned around he noticed Fawkes perched on his desk. Fawkes was obviously waiting to deliver the potion for Snape. Fawkes was the Orders secret messenger since the Owl Post had been faulty lately. Snape pulled a large flask out of his robe. He grabbed a ladle and poured the steamy contents into the flask and tightened it. He also pulled out a small note from his robes and attached it the flask.

 _Remus,_

 _Cutting it a bit close are you? Next time give me more notice._

 _-S.S._

Snape walked over to his desk and handed the flask to Fawkes. The phoenix grasped the flask in his talon and soared out the window. Snape had an odd desire to write more in the letter, but refrained from it. Having the urge to write more in the letter was unusual behavior for Snape. After all, what was going on between Lupin and Tonks was none of his business. The thought of Tonks sent an unnerving feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't help but feel uneasy about their plans tonight. Knowing Tonks there was no telling what questions she was planning on asking him, and that was what worried Snape the most. Severus prided himself on being a private enigma. Having true horrors and agony in one's past will lead to a life of solitude and secrets. He tried to put his past behind him. His memories and suffering is what created his character and there was no escaping ones past. The last thing Snape wanted to do was bring up his old feelings and memories, he told himself years ago that he wanted to let bygones be bygones and move on from those haunting thoughts.

As every minute got closer to tonight's events, Snape wanted to change your mind and forget about the entrance to the secret passageway. He asked himself, "Is it even worth it?" The answer was always yes and he repeated that question to himself throughout the day. Snape had yearned for the location of the passageway ever since Potter's third year. Not only did he crave the location, but he knew that deep down he craved social interaction as well. The thought of opening up to someone had Snape thinking about what Dumbledore said to him at the beginning of the term.

***Flashback***

"You are a great person, Severus. Why can't you make the best of the time you have left?" Dumbledore asked.

"How am I to do that?" Severus replied cynically.

"Well for starters you can talk to someone. Let someone besides me, see the good in you." Dumbledore stated.

Snape couldn't help but think about the end of this school year. Once he kills Dumbledore, everyone will view him as a murderer. Dumbledore was mistaken; they both had an expiration date. When Snape thought about how long he actually had left, he concluded that it didn't matter what he told Tonks tonight. In less than six months she will see him no differently than anyone else. If answering ten questions could help distract him from these dark times than he would accept the challenge.

Concluding a rather relaxing Saturday of grading papers and guard duty, Snape headed to his personal chambers. He knew that Tonks would meet him there and didn't bother checking in with her. Snape's hand clasped the doorknob to his chamber and opened the door. The common room was chilly and routine. He pointed his wand to the fire place and it ignited immediately. A groan escaped his mouth as he sat down in his leather chair and elevated his feet. The warm flames were beginning to fill the dreary room. The book, _Brewing Antidotes for Dark Curses_ was in the crease of his chair. He grabbed the book and opened it to his current place and began to read.

Looking up at the full moon, Tonks couldn't help but worry about Remus. Every full moon pained her with worry. She hoped and prayed that he was safe. She went into her robes to grab a tissue when she felt the outline of the Firewhisky bottle. Not aware of the time, she looked down at her watch. Tonks realized she was ten minutes late for her engagement with Snape. The only thing holding Tonks together lately were her plans with Snape, but the full moon clouded her mind of all happy thoughts.

She took off down the halls hurriedly. When she arrived at Snape's chambers her heart was racing rapidly. She used the excuse that she was running, but deep down she felt nervous and keen. She took a deep breath to calm herself and knocked on the door. Waiting to be greeted was intense for Tonks. She wondered if Snape would mistake her pounding heartbeat for a knock on the door.

When Snape opened the door, he immediately noticed her swollen eyes. He could tell that she was upset and also felt the same awkwardness as he did. They were the two most unlikely people one would see meeting at a sketchy time of the night. If anyone was awake to witness this communion, they would swear they were hallucinating.

"You're late." He stated bluntly. He opened the door and hand motioned her to enter his chambers.

She proceeded past him lying, "I left the Firewhiskey in my room and had to go get it." She wanted to ease the tension between them and set a friendly atmosphere. "We both know that Firewhiskey will help make this discussion more… endurable."

He nodded with agreement. Snape couldn't deny it, she was right. He could use a strong drink right about now. He headed over to his liquor cabinet and a pulled out two hardball glasses, a bottle of mead, and filled up a bucket of ice. He used magic to levitate it to the coffee table. Once everything was prepared, Snape sat down back in his chair. Tonks was already sitting on the couch and pulled the bottle of Firewhiskey out of her cloak. She poured both of them a glass.

They both sipped their drink in awkward silence until Snape broke the ice. "To clarify, I am going to answer ten questions about myself?" Tonks nodded in agreement. "…and in exchange you will disclose to me the whereabouts of the passageway I seek?"

Tonks informed. "Correct. You also have to answer the questions thoroughly."

Snape rolled his eyes and stated cynically, "Seeing as though you want to intrude on my personal affairs I didn't expect "yes" or "no" answers would suffice."

Tonks knew that Snape was not going to let this go down without making it difficult. She knew he would be like this. "Oh come off it Snape. Is it so hard to believe that I just want to get to know you?"

Snape was at a loss for words. He didn't know why she was so intent on getting to know him. No one had ever made the effort to get to know the real him before and in all honesty, he felt exposed. Deciding to get the show on the road he asked, "Well, are you going to start anytime soon?" Snape requested.

Tonks rolled her eyes and took the opportunity. "Why do you teach if you hate children so much?"

Snape confessed, "I don't have a choice. It's all part of being a double agent and my protection."

"We always have a choice, inform me." Tonks directed. She was very interested in wondering why he felt like he didn't have a choice but to teach.

"I was fresh out of school when Dumbledore hired me on to teach potions. I became a Death Eater and the Dark Lord sent me to be a spy at Hogwarts. In time I became a double agent. It is now my duty on both sides to be here teaching." Snape stated coolly. Tonks finally understood why he hated his job so much. Snape was forced to be at Hogwarts no matter how much he loathed it.

Tonks nodded in agreement. "That is terrible, what did you want to do before you became a professor?"

Snape took a swig of his drink and retorted, "A Healer or Potioneer."

"A Healer? I would've never guessed that." Tonks couldn't help but giggle. "I could totally see you as an Auror or Potioneer type, but not a healer." Tonks finished off her drink. She then continued, "I mean you would have terrible bed side manners." Tonks laughed at the thought of Snape's snide remarks to his patients. Of all professions she didn't think Snape was the type of person to want to cure and help people.

"That's because you don't know me, Nymphadora." Snape specified. That much was true. Only a few people knew that he enjoyed curing complicated curses and brewing complex potions to help the sick.

Snape leaned over and poured him another glass of Firewhiskey.

Tonks couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Learning this new information about him made her crave more. She was beginning to respect and maybe even like the Severus Snape she was now discovering. Tonks desperately wanted Snape to understand that the true reason for this was to get to know him. "Well that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to figure you out." Tonks held her glass out to him and Snape topped both of their glasses off. "I want to get to know you, the real you."

The last thing he wanted was Tonks to think that he cared about what she had to say. He thought it was strange of her to actually want to get to know him on a personal level. "Next question, we don't have all night." Snape proceeded shortly. He would never admit it to himself, but he was actually enjoying her company.

"Were you a trouble maker in school?" Tonks asked him playfully. She was feeling the whiskey take its affect.

Snape answered rudely. "No, not everyone is as immature as you, Nymphadora."

Tonks just laughed off his rude remark. She was confused by what he said. "I don't understand how a rule follower became a Death Eater. Why did you become a Death Eater?"

"I was naive, troubled, and full of angst. I didn't know any better at the time." Snape declared. He was worried that she would make him go into detail and that he refused to get into. He was feeling a bit tingly, but even at his drunkest he kept his composure. He put the glass to his lips and finished off his second glass of Firewhiskey.

The Firewhiskey was affecting Tonks and she was getting warm. "Phew…I'm burning up in here." Tonks commented as she took off her traveling cloak and revealed her attire. Snape couldn't help but stare. She had a low cut purple V-neck that accentuated her curves, a short jean skirt with torn tights under it, and black combat boots. Snape was used to seeing Tonks in this type of apparel, but for some reason he was looking at her differently than before. "They don't call it Firewhiskey for nothing, Am I right?" She asked Snape. He immediately noticed what he was doing and nodded. He tore his eyes off of her body and took another swig of his drink.

Tonks sat back down and continued, "So do you regret it?"

Snape's eyes met hers. He didn't know how else to respond. "Regret what? Becoming a Death Eater." Snape couldn't help but forget what they were discussing. He knew it was the liquor effects that made him admire her physique. Just like every other person, drinking clouded a person's judgement.

Tonks nodded with agreement.

"I regret a great deal of my past, predominantly becoming a Death Eater." The mood changed drastically. Snape was now beginning to lose a part of his filter. Deep down he wasn't sure if it was the alcohol to blame or his desperate need for social interaction, but Snape couldn't help feeling the urge to divulge his secrets.

"What is your biggest regret?" Tonks was risking a lot by asking this question, but he agreed to ten questions. She knew he would try to get out of answering this question and added, "Besides becoming a Death Eater."

At the sound of her question Snape finished off his whiskey. With annoyance, he sat glassware on the table and filled it nearly to the rim of his glass. Snape knew in order to answer this question he needed another drink. "You sure are enjoying yourself, aren't you Nymphadora?"

Tonks nodded with satisfaction and declared, "Consider it payback after all these years." She was relieved that he wasn't angered by her prying.

Snape lifted his drink in the air and nodded his head with agreement and stated, "Touché." Pondering over all the regrettable moments in his dreary life, Snape knew only one in particular stood out amongst the rest. Snape yearned to express his true regret to Tonks, to anyone for that matter, but as always, he slithered back in to his hole and clarified, "All of my regrets are the result of becoming a Death Eater. I have witnessed and contributed to horrors that you and the Order can scarcely envisage. "

Tonks didn't know if she truly believed him. She knew the only means to get him to confess was to ask him to elaborate. "Try me. I want to know the worst thing you've done.

"Honestly, Nymphadora I'm not comfortable answering that particular question. Next question." Snape instructed.

"Why not? Are you worried I'm going to hold it against you or something?" She teased. "I promise I won't tell anyone. You have my word."

Snape remained silent. He literally just sat there drinking his liquor waiting patiently for the next question.

"C'mon, it can't be that terrible. I can handle it, I assure you." Tonks implored.

"I'm not worried about your fragile heart, Nymphadora." Snape sneered. All of his life when he feels uncovered or susceptible, Snape immediately shields his emotions with anger. "Besides it's really none of your concern."

"Fine then, ask me something personal." Tonks responded proudly.

Snape had a sour look on his face. He honestly didn't have any desire to learn anything about her. He decided that he had enough bonding for one night and insisted, "We can finish this little chat another time." He stood up quickly and headed to the door to escort her out.

"If I leave now I will add five more questions. Seeing as we are only half way through, I would advise you differently."

Snape had a look of pure loathing and took a deep breath to calm him. Tonks could see the aggression and infuriation build up inside of him. He was almost to the door when he turned around and walked back to her. She couldn't help but enjoy the self-inflicted agony he was putting himself through. He didn't bother grabbing his glass. This time he decided to grab the fresh bottle of mead from the table and opened it. He sat down on the opposite side of couch with Tonks.

"What is worst thing you've done? So appalling the mere thought of it haunts your thoughts." Snape pressed the full bottle to his lips and gulped its contents. He leaned over the middle seat of the couch and glared his eyes into hers intensely and hissed, "Oh and if your answer doesn't satisfy me. You will have to give me the location now. Is that understood?"

Tonks couldn't help but feel intimidated. When his coal black eyes gaped directly into hers, an icy sting shivered through her skin and settled in her chest. It was a sensation Tonks had never felt before. She tired her best to hide her edginess and chortled, "Then you won't mind if I finish off that bottle of Firewhiskey?"

"Any means necessary." Snape responded nonchalantly.

"In that case…" Tonks grabbed the bottle of Firewhiskey and continued, "We have a long night ahead of us. What I am about to tell you stays between us." Snape nodded in agreement. Tonks pressed the Firewhiskey to her lips and took a swig. After she swallowed she began, "I was in fifth year. I was as well as every other girl in school, drooling over Phillip Deidrick"

"I can recall." Snape agreed. He could remember bigheaded Phillip and all the times Snape took away points from Hufflepuff for his many rendezvous after hours.

Tonks was very outspoken, but she felt uncomfortable talking about this topic with Snape of all people. She continued, "He was dating Bernice Baton at the time. All she did was brag about how great of a boyfriend he was and how amazing he was in bed. At the time, all of the Hufflepuff girls were getting boyfriends and losing their virginity. Well… everyone except me. The main reason I was saving myself was because I was infatuated with Phillip. I only had eyes for him, but there was no way he would leave Bernice for someone like me" Tonks couldn't help but blush. What she had just confessed to Snape was humiliating. Struggling for the will to proceed, she took another swig of Firewhiskey. Snape was way out of his comfort zone at this point and was already halfway through his mead.

Tonks took a deep breath and carried on, "Anyways, the day before we left for Christmas break, Phillip knocked on the girls' dormitory door. I was the only girl in there at the time. He asked me to deliver a note to Bernice and of course I agreed. Without hesitation, I opened the note. It read, Meet me in the Trophy room at midnight. I contemplated what I should do with the note. Should I give it to Bernice or should I not. It wasn't until 11:30 when I truly thought about it. I went to the loo and decided to morph into Bernice. As I admired her beauty in the mirror, I decided to meet Phillip. I was so nervous and when I made it to the Trophy room I had changed my mind. I turned around to go back to the dormitory, but Phillip arrived before I could disappear. Without hesitation he grabbed me aggressively and powerfully forced his lips to mine. He didn't say a word, he just kissed me over and over and I couldn't break away. His lips had me in a trance and I went along with it. I wanted to feel beautiful and wanted, but in the end, I felt pathetic. After that, I didn't care much anymore. I lost all respect for myself and pretty much became an event. My first time was with someone who thought I was someone else. What is wrong with me? " She felt ashamed, but relieved as well.

Tonks saw something in Snape's black eyes and she had seen it only once before. It wasn't pity or judgment; it was understanding. He could relate perfectly. If given the opportunity to morph into James Potter and feel Lily's love and respect once last time, he wouldn't think twice about it. "You would be surprised just how normal that sounds to me. The lengths that people will take to feel wanted."

"I have never told anyone this before, especially not Remus. My whole life I never felt wanted or beautiful until I met him and look how that turned out." She took a large sip of Firewhiskey. I guess it comes with the curse of being what I am. When you can change your appearance at will, why would anyone want to be their true self?"

Snape was speechless, all he could respond was shrugging his shoulders. He would've never guess that she had so many demons. From his perspective, she had always seemed optimistic and full of life.

"I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest." Tonks disclosed. She was surprised that Snape was actually being understanding and didn't have something rude to say. "Now it's your turn. What's the worst thing you've done?"

Tonks could see that Snape was hesitant about answering. A sigh escaped Snape's lips as he spoke, "Of all the terrible actions I participated in and let happen will never compare to what I had done. A reckless choice I once made sixteen years ago." He took another sip of mead before continuing. "The worst thing I've done…" he paused. Snape rubbed his tired eyes and looked down at the ground with shame. "…led to the loss of the only woman I will ever love."

"I'm so sorry." Tonks tried to hide her emotions. What escape his lips positioned all the puzzle pieces together and solved the mystery of Severus Snape.

"Old history Nymphadora, but not a day goes by without the pain."

"What happened?" She asked. She knew this was it. This was the moment she had been waiting for.

Snape hesitated, but remembered what Tonks had shared with him. He felt as though he could trust her and that they were not so different from one another. "I notified the Dark Lord about conspiracies against him not knowing who was all involved. Eventually leading to the murder of…" he stopped before he revealed too much. He couldn't believe he let alcohol cloud his judgement. He almost mentioned Lily's name to her. In order to protect himself, he couldn't tell a soul about Lily and his betrayal.

Tonks was speechless. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew that he wouldn't stand for that. Not only was Snape in love, but he made a mistake that led to her death. Everything made complete sense. Snape is miserable and loathes himself. Tonks finally mustered up the courage to speak. "What was she like?" Tonks inquired timidly. She was finally getting to know him and the last thing she wanted to do was push him away.

Snape wanted to tell Tonks every fine detail about Lily. He never had the opportunity to tell someone about her before. The words escaped from his tongue as if they were rehearsed, "She was perfect in every sense of the word. There isn't a person that would disagree. Optimism streamed from her being, leaving a permeant touch on everyone she met. She had the ability of seeing the beauty in the world and in others." Tonks noticed how his face lit up as he spoke of her. It was like he had never had the opportunity to tell her himself. "Uncommonly kind she was, to everyone even if they didn't deserve it. She had a glowing splendor that in just one glance would leave you breathless. Her lips were warmer than the sun's beams on a delightful summer morning. "

Tonks had never seen Snape's face liven up with joy before. It was a pleasant moment to witness. Tonks felt honored to be able to share this with him. "She sounds absolutely remarkable. What a blessing it must have been to be loved by someone so brilliant."

"A blessing indeed, if only I were so lucky." Snape muttered.

Tonks was muddled. "What do you mean?" she questioned.

Snape chuckled skeptically, "I never stood a chance with her. We were best friends and at one point we could've been more. Like always, I pushed her out of my life due to insecurities and foolishness." Snape put on his unemotional mask and continued, "…and in the end it didn't matter; I was her ruin and she was my redemption. Her love could have saved me from myself and my love brought on her demise."

"Isn't it amazing how quickly a disposition can change? How much one person can affect everything?" Tonks commented. She finished off the last sip of Firewhiskey . She couldn't help but rant drunkenly, "How dare they have this control over us. We both deserve better. Is it so hard for someone to love us in return? I guess that's what happens. You let people in, and they destroy you. Lately all I want to do is cry and scream, and let it all out because holding on to all this rage is killing me inside." Tonks stood up and walked over to the window. She had a stunning view of the full moon and couldn't help but let out a weep of agony.

Snape had those same thoughts as well. He was relieved that he wasn't the only in the world that felt this way. He stood up and followed her to the window. The full moon was barely visible at this time. Snape knew exactly what she was thinking about and stated, "It's a shame. No matter how much pain we are in, we can't help but think of them."

Tonks let the few tears that escaped her eyes stream down her face. "I know. I just hope he is safe."

"I assure you that he is." Snape promised as he placed his hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

Tonks turned to face him and mumbled, "How can you be so sure?"

Snape self-proclaimed, "I've been sending him Wolfsbane during his mission."

Before Snape knew it, Tonks had her arms wrapped around his neck in a tight embrace. She pleaded in-between sobs, "Thank you!"

Snape didn't know what to do. It has been ages since he was hugged or even thanked for that matter. He patted her back awkwardly and escaped her embrace.

She wiped her eyes and made her way to door. He followed her to escort her out.

"Before we depart I have an idea." She specified.

Snape questioned, "What might that be?"

"You still have four questions to answer." Snape nodded in agreement. "If you tell me the name of your mystery girl, I will forget the other three questions and give you the location now."

"How do I know this is not a hoax?" Snape surveyed.

"Third Floor corridor, hidden in the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor." Tonks expressed. "I'll give you the password after you give me her name."

Snape was stunned. He thought about what he was giving up by telling Tonks about Lily. He was about to turn down the offer, when he thought about tonight's events. What he learned about Tonks was that she was trustworthy and loyal, a true Hufflepuff. He decided to take the risk and divulge his biggest secret to her. "Lily. Her name was Lily."

Tonks smiled, "What a beautiful name. The password is Dissendium. See you tomorrow night." They both nodded in agreement and Tonks left his chambers and off to the third floor she went.

The rest of the night Tonks couldn't help but toss and turn. She couldn't help but question over and over, "Surely he isn't talking about Lily Potter. He can't be, could he?"


	10. When the Blame Grew Too Heavy

TO MY READERS,

I am so sorry for the extremely long wait. I finally got a full time career, and it is literally taking up my life. I had a dream about this story last night. I was like, "OMG I need to update this." So I pulled out my laptop and went to writing. Again my most sincere apologies, and I hope it is worth the wait. I will be updating soon. _Please favor, follow, and review! This is the best way to keep me motivated._

Chapter 10 - When the Blame Grew to Heavy

Two weeks had passed since that night in Snape's chambers. Both Snape and Tonks couldn't help but reflect on what transpired that night. Tonks wanted to know if Snape's mysterious love was in fact Lily Potter. The thought of it being even remotely true was surreal, but seeing as though they were actually getting along, Tonks refrained from bringing it up. That night they were drinking, and Tonks figured the alcohol clouded his judgment. Snow began covering the grounds at Hogwarts. Christmas holiday was fast approaching; both Snape and Tonks have been busy since that night. They never got the opportunity to speak much, but when they would check-in with one another, the encounters had a different friendlier vibe.

Tonks woke up to loud banging at her door. She jumped out of bed quickly and opened the door. It was Proudfoot and she could tell he was cross.

"Tonks you're supposed to help patrol the grounds today." Proudfoot said directly, he didn't even notice that Tonks wasn't wearing trousers. She was only in her purple knickers and Remus' grey cardigan.

"I totally forgot I told Kingsley I would cover for him today. I'll be right there." Tonks said frazzled.

He looked down and was astounded. "Hurry and put your bloody pants on." He stated as he scurried off.

Tonks ran to her closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and a jacket. She slipped on her boots and rushed out the door.

Tonks walked down the stairs and noticed that it was the students day out at Hogsmead today. Overcome with excitement, she walked outside the Three Broomsticks in search for the Golden Trio. She notices Professor McGonagall in front of Honeydukes and walks over to her.

"Morning Professor!" Tonks shouts out.

McGonagall greeted Tonks with excitement. "Tonks, I'm surprised to see you here this early. What brings you out here patrolling Hogsmead?" McGonagall was delighted to see Tonks.

"Kinsley asked me to cover his duty this morning." Tonks answered her politely.

"That explains why I cannot find him. I needed to ask him a question, but no matter. How is night patrol going?" Before Tonks could answer her, McGonagall's shouted, "Mr. Davis, I would refrain from sticking my tongue on that flagpole! Do keep in mind that it is SNOWING!" She turns back to Tonks and comments, "these kids."

"Night patrol has fine; it's just a bit boring though. Is there any particular spot you would like me to keep an eye on today?" Tonks asked.

"Not any in particular, but you could just help keep an eye on Harry. I think the three of them went into the Three Broomsticks."

"Will do professor." Tonks turned and headed back in the Three Broomsticks. She was happy that it was at least warm in there.

When she walked in the front door, she looked around for Harry, Hermione, and Ron. The Three Broomsticks was extremely crowded. There wasn't an open table in sight. She did happen to notice there was a seat available at the bar. Tonks decided she could keep an eye on them at the bar and maybe that way she can do it discreetly. After all, Harry would probably get angry at the fact that Tonks' was looking after him like a child, but they had to keep Harry safe at all cost. Besides, if there were to be an attack, Harry would doubtfully be the main target.

Tonks figured she was going to be there awhile, so she decided to order something. "Rosmerta, one Butterbeer, please."

Tonks had been sitting there for at least an hour and a half. The only thing that she saw was Slughorn talking with Harry, Ginny was in the corner snogging some boy, and Ron looked like he was getting angry at the bloke that was all over his sister. Tonks was contemplating leaving when all of the sudden, Rosmerta placed a shot of Firewhiskey in front of Tonks. Tonks was alarmed by that action and immediately state, "I didn't order this."

Rosemerta laughed, "I know you didn't…"She pointed her head to the left, "but he did," and walked away. Tonks looked down the crowded bar looking to see who the mysterious man was. After maneuvering her head through the crowd, she spotted the only person familiar. To Tonks' surprise, the man was none other than Severus Snape. Noticing an empty seat beside him, Tonks headed over by him while carrying her drink with her.

Once she sat down she was about to thank him for the drink, but he beat her to the chase and Snape smooth voice remarked, "You're welcome." Tonks didn't know how to respond to that, but all she knew was that Snape arrogance was sort of attractive. She couldn't help, but smile at his jester.

"So you just assume I'm going to thank you for this and drink it, huh?" Tonks remarked.

"Why wouldn't you?" Snape questioned while looking into her eyes.

Tonks was thrown off when he made eye contact with her. She felt uneasy, but mustered up her courage and stated sarcastically, "I don't know, maybe because I'm working."

"Come off it Dora, everyone knows Ministry workers are knackered on the job most of the time."

"True, but that's not the point." Snape was right, most Ministry officials worked with a couple of drinks in them, or a hidden decanter in their desks. Tonks didn't know what was coming over her. Why couldn't she just drink the bloody drink and be finished with this. Even though she hadn't realized it yet, deep down Tonks enjoyed these conversations with Snape.

"No… the point is Nymphadora… you're in need of a pick me up, so drink the drink and accept my gift before I change my mind." Snape commanded coldly while taking a sip of his own Firewhiskey. She blushed and placed the glass to her lips and drank the Firewhiskey in defeat. She wanted to start a conversation with him, but didn't know what to talk about.

About that time Horace Slughorn comes staggering up to Snape. He slurred, "Merta, one glass of mead for friend Severus here, please!" Slughorn placed his hand on Snape shoulder, clearly making Snape uncomfortable by his friendly touch. "You weren't at the Hogwarts staff meeting last night, but I wanted to invite you in person. The Hogwarts staff Christmas party will be held the 20th after the Slug Club party; However, I will need your assistance for both if you're up for it? Yours too, Miss Tonks."

"Well considering the fact that Nymphadora and I will both be patrolling the grounds that night, it looks like we'll have no choice." Snape didn't look remotely excited. He looked as though he would rather attend a Death Eater meeting that to attend such a party.

Tonks; however, was extremely excited, so excited that she rejoiced, "I would love to go!"

"That's the spirit, Tonks! Merta, A glass of mead for Miss Tonks, as well! Remember that the party is semi-formal, so look you're best." He staggered off drunkenly, and he left the Three Broomsticks.

"Do you reckon he is wasted enough to forget his own party plans?" Tonks chortled.

"It doesn't make a difference to me… like I would attend such an event." Snape rolled his eyes while he sipped his mead.

"Why wouldn't you? I heard his parties are the best! Sirius told me all sorts of stories about Slughorn's wild parties."

Snape rolled his eyes and sipped his mead and opined, "Did he now?" Snape's question was defiantly rhetorical.

"Don't be such a party pooper." Tonks joked with him. She was excited because she had something fun to look forward to. Who cared if Snape went or not, all she cared about was getting to attend a legendary event. Slughorn's parties were notorious, and she was getting to finally attend one.

Out of nowhere, Professor Slughorn came back in the Three Broomsticks in frenzy. "Professor Snape… a…a… student has been… GRAVELY injured."

Without hesitation, Snape bolted out of the pub like smoke, and I looked around for Harry. My heart stopped when I noticed that the Golden Trio was nowhere to be found. Out of panic, I ran after him.

As I ran toward the crime scene, Proudfoot and Dawlish stopped me. Dawlish spoke hurriedly, "Tonks, we need to search Hogsmead for the culprit. The girl was cursed by a necklace that someone gave her. We have already questioned the witness, and she claimed they were in the Three Broomsticks when the girl returned from the lo with the package that contained the cursed necklace."

Tonks felt sick to her stomach as she thought, _Oh my god… I was the one guarding the Three Broomsticks. It's entirely my fault._

Meanwhile Snape was aiding in the infirmary with the other professors. They were using every spell imaginable to cure the cursed girl. He was also blaming himself for what transpired.

As day turned to night, both Tonks and Snape were worn-out. The culprit still remained unknown and the Aurors continued searching for any evidence form the attack. Both Tonks and Snape felt deep regret and shame. They were inside the Three Broomsticks the whole time the incident occurred.

Tonks was on her way back to her room to change before duty. While opening the door, a sudden bright light bounced through her window.

A large sliver doe gracefully leaped through the window and landed two feet in front of her. She had never seen this Patronus before and was curious who conjured it. A deep familiar voice filled the room, and Tonks knew exactly who the sender was.

"Nymphadora, there is an urgent Order meeting at 10 o'clock tonight. We will proceed to our duty when the meeting concludes" Snape's voice informed urgently.

Tonks turned to the clock and realized that she didn't have time for a nap. "Ughhh…." She grunted with annoyance. She removed her dirty clothes and made her way to the bathroom. She grabbed the shower facet and turned on the water. While she waited for the water to heat up, she walked over to mirror. The reflection in the mirror was almost unrecognizable. She didn't look anything like her usual self. It was obvious that her skin was pale and her body was a lot slimmer. Noticing the protruding bones in her back and stomach, Tonks realized she couldn't remember the last time she ate a well-balanced meal.

Overwhelmed with many emotions, Tonks punched the mirror; shattering it into countless bits in the sink. Looking down at her injured hand, Tonks couldn't help but loathe herself. She had let a man destroy her dignity, identify, and her confidence. She also got so lost in amusement that she allowed a girl to get injured on her watch today. Everything Tonks held most dear, she lost. All this time she blamed Remus for her pain and suffering when she was at fault all along. Overcome with hate, Tonks sat on the floor with her hands over her eyes and wept loudly. Her cries of sorrow were muted by the sound of running water from the shower. The day had been stressful and tiring, it sent Tonks over the edge. Suffice to say that she had finally hit rock bottom. Overall she needed to let out her built up emotions because sometimes the best way out is straight through the pain. Looking into the pieces of mirror scattered all over the floor, she noticed her reflection. Her hair was a deep, dark red. Deep down she felt that the realization that it was her who was the source of her pain helped her find herself again.

After Tonks gained her composure, she stood up and stepped in the shower. The water trickled softly down her slim frame. She thought to herself, _No more_. She washed her blood stain hand and tried to erase the dangerous thoughts. The water eased her mind and body. The relaxation aided her to think straight. After she was relaxed and clean, Tonks stepped out of the shower and dried off. Before she got dressed, she looked at the clock and noticed that she was right on schedule. Once she let out her bad thoughts and grieved, she gained a small piece of self-respect. Tonks thought to herself, "I am better than this." and with that mentality, she got dressed in her normal punk clothing, her hair a dark red, and headed to the Order meeting with confidence. What Tonks didn't know was that she gained enough confidence that brought her powers back in full swing.

Tonks had made it to the gargoyle entrance to the headmaster's office. She was right on time for the meeting, but others would consider that late. She walked up the staircase and heard the drones of many voices conversing from the inside. When she opened the door, it seemed as though everyone was accounted for apart from her.

Dumbledore turned his attention to her, "Ahh… Nymphadora, so glad you decided to join us. Come in and take a seat." Tonks blushed almost instantly as everyone starred in her direction, they obviously noticed her change in appearance. Molly gave her a big smile. Tonks looked around the crowded room. She didn't spot any seats available. "There is an open seat over there next to Remus." Dumbledore informed her.

Tonks heart dropped rapidly at the sound of his name. As she made her way over to the open seat, she kept her head down to avoid the stares. As soon as she sat down awkwardly, she looked up and across from her was no other than Severus Snape. Snape couldn't help but gander at her. The shade of red in her hair was unavoidable. All Snape could think about was Lily. His soul felt like it was torn in half. That shade of red couldn't be more identical. The only thing that was keeping Snape collected was how Remus was struggling to avoid looking at her. It was amusing to Snape because Tonks looked confident, and that she was over Remus. Meanwhile, desperation and lust filled Remus' features. Lupin's eyes met Snape's, and Snape couldn't help but smirk at his thoughts. He couldn't help thinking, _paybacks a bitch_.

Please leave me some motivation! REVIEW or at least favor if you like it.


	11. Never Again

Thank you for following and favoring my story! Also, thanks to the two people who reviewed my story. Motivation is hard these days. Its finally getting closer to what everyone is waiting for... building the suspense is the hardest part! I have known exactly where i wanted to take the story just had trouble coming up with how to get there! Happy reading! Please follow or favor for updates and as always Review to help with motivation.

Chapter 11- Never Again

During the meeting, Remus, Tonks, and Severus were not remotely paying attention. Tonks and Snape kept making eye contact throughout the entire meeting. What Tonks failed to witness was that Lupin looked as though he was getting extremely jealous. Lupin remembered how they used to exchange smiles and flirt during the Order meetings before Sirius' death, but now she found a new partner to do this with. The thought that it was Snape of all people was nauseating. Remus had an irk feeling from the look behind Severus' stares. He couldn't help but question, _does Dora fancy Severus?_ Stunned at the very thought, Lupin thought to himself, _I've got to stop whatever is going on between them._ He wanted Tonks to move on. Sure it was going to hurt to see her with someone else, but Remus figured she would pick someone better than him, not shoddier in every sense of the word.

Lupin didn't want to muddle with her emotions, but whatever he was witnessing had to stop. A protective instinct came over Remus, and he moved his hand from his knee to hers under the table. Tonks was of course startled by his touch. To make her feel more comfortable, he turned his head and smiled at her.

Tonks was taken back by his caress and felt the need to slap him. She didn't know what he was trying to do, but she was in no place to play his games. Instead she decided to grab his hand softly as if she were going to hold it, and returned it to his own knee. When she released his hand, she patted it twice giving off the "nice try" message. Severus could sense the hostility between the two of them, not having a clue as to what was going on.

"Constant vigilance!" Moody quoted finishing up his long paranoid speech.

Dumbledore than stood up and stated, "Yes, thank you Alastor. We will know more about marked Ministry officials after tomorrow night's Death Eater meeting." Snape nodded with agreement.

"Before we dismiss, Molly has something to say." Dumbledore added.

"The Order's Christmas gathering will be held on Christmas Eve at Grimmauld Place."

"Molly, you do realize how dangerous having it there might be?" Alastor said.

"With all due respect Alastor, I do. I feel we owe it to Sirius to have Christmas there this year." Tonks agreed with Molly. Sirius would be desperately missed this Christmas. Even the thought of Sirius, caused Tonks to feel an emotional tightness swell in her throat.

Moody couldn't help but blurt, "Now is not the time to…"

Snape cut Moody off and said, "Actually the Death Eaters are completely oblivious about Grimmauld Place. I'm sure one night won't hurt." Molly smiled at Snape as Moody rolled his eyes.

"Christmas Eve at Number 12 it is. Meeting adjourned." Dumbledore addressed.

When the meeting ended, Tonks had to get out of there and fast. First, the pass Remus made on her, and then the thought of Christmas without Sirius; Tonks just couldn't take anymore. She felt that if she talked to Remus, all her progress would be lost. As she left Dumbledore's office and down the stairs, she hoped Remus wasn't following her. Snape on the other hand was too busy talking with Minerva to notice Tonks' departure; however, he did happen to notice Remus looking around for someone. Remus left the office in a hurry and Snape excused himself politely, I'm sorry Minerva, but I still have duty tonight. We will finish this tomorrow." Just like that, Snape left the office and trailing Remus.

Tonks walked as fast as possible down the corridor, and then she heard Remus calling her name as she turned down the corridor. "Dora! Dora, wait up!" She hoped he didn't see her, but she decided to hide behind one of the doors in the hallway before he could catch up to her. As his footsteps and voice ascended louder with every second, her heart beat climbed rapidly. She yearned to open the door and face her fears, but she just couldn't go through the heartbreak again. Why was it when she was finally coping with losing him, seeing him started the downward spiral all over again? She knew the answer; however, she just didn't want to admit it to herself. It was because she still was in love with him. When the footsteps came to a standstill, confusion, anxiety, and restriction overwhelmed her all at once. She turned her back to the door as tightness in her chest had spread to her throat, constricting her from breathing. Tonks felt as though she was suffocating. The painful part was the fact that he could be trying to apologize and admit he had mistaken, but something kept her planted there against the door. She just couldn't open the door and go through it again. She thought to herself, "was she making a mistake?" A frustrated sigh escaped through the door, and Tonks was about to turn the knob and confront her fear when the decision to open the door had been made for her. Hearing a deep familiar voice through the door stopped her.

The familiar voice spoke, "Lupin." When she realized who was talking, she decided it was best not to intrude on this particular conversation. After all, Snape and Remus did not get along, so Tonks decided to eavesdrop.

"Oh… Severus. What gives me the pleasure of your presences this evening?" Lupin greeted him with a hint of sarcasm. Remus looked irritated and defeated.

Snape gave him a… _who do you think you're talking to_ look, and commented snidely, "I know you're such a busy person, so I won't hold you too long. I was just wondering about the packages I've been sending you. Have you been receiving them because you do look rather… tattered?" Snape judged Remus as he observed his appearance.

"As a matter of fact, I have. I am surprised that you care about my wellbeing; However, I am thankful you decided to resume brewing it for me, but I'm sure THAT was on Dumbledore's orders." Remus assumed Snape had no choice in the matter, how could he? Snape didn't care about Remus and Lupin knew that for a fact.

Snape corrected him spitefully. "Actually, now that you mentioned it, it wasn't on Dumbledore's orders. Instead I noticed how your survival affects a particular person and thought I would lend a helping hand."

"How heroic of you. I'm glad she has someone looking after her."

"Well that's what happens when you get involved with someone with a condition like yours, how selfish of you to put a burden like that on someone almost half your age." Snape replied defensively.

Remus couldn't just let Snape make him out to be a fool and replied, "I understand your concern, but I ended it before it went any further, and frankly it is none of your business."

"You're right…. It isn't any of my business; however it doesn't fix what you've done. Yes you ended it, but you did it after the girl fell in love with you. Do you not see what your error in judgment has done?"

"I do! Every day I feel the guilt. The last thing I need is a lecture on shit I already know, and especially from you of all people." Remus shouted.

Snape kept his voice low and calm. "Well no one else has the audacity to tell you to your face. Everyone believes you to be kind and innocent, but in reality… you're abysmal."

"What gives, Severus? What is in this for you?" Snape doesn't respond because he never truly realized why he even cared in the first place. Remus caught on that Snape wasn't going to answer him and Remus made his own assumption. "Oh let me guess, payback for when we were kids? Or is this simply because you fancy Dora?"

"That… is… absurd." Snape stated as he emphasized each word.

A slight smirk appeared on Remus face. "Oh come off it Severus. I saw the way you were gandering at her during the meeting. Don't deny it." Snape didn't know how to respond. He knew there was no way he fancied Tonks. Since when was getting to know someone considered fancying them? "Just like you did at Lily those many years ago." As soon as Remus said her name he knew he went too far. Snape's face was a stone. The deep loathing amercing from his stare was forceful.

Snape stepped closer to Remus and was right in his face. The fury evident in his swagger and tone was enough to make Remus back away into the door behind him. "You impious git! How… dare… you…! How dare you turn this into some hidden objective of my construction? And I thought you couldn't sink any lower." Remus knew he was out of hand to bring up Lily, yet he held his ground. He kept an unemotional expression as Snape backed away. "Get out of this castle before I remove you myself." Remus turned around and began to walk away. Snape added seriously, "One more thing, Remus." Remus stopped walking away and turned around. Snape added threatening, "The next time you bring up Lily… I will kill you. " Remus rolled his eyes in disbelief, but there was no skepticism in Snape's tone. Plus he has killed before no doubt, Remus thought.

Tonks was frozen solid. The conversation that she just witnessed was implausible. Remus jealous of Snape, Snape taking up for her, and Remus suggesting Snape fancied her was just absurd. Remus was out of line to bring up the past even though Snape didn't help the situation. It was odd that Snape involved himself in her drama, but then again, Snape knew just how much Remus had hurt her. She wanted to thank him for having her back, but she also didn't want him to know she heard everything. After all, Snape getting involved in her drama did save her from going down the slippery slope all over again.


	12. Skeleton of Something More

OMG! I know it felt like an eternity since I have updated... actually it has! I hope that this update was well worth the wait! I know the next chapter will be for sure. I have been teaching fifth grade writing, and it was absolutely impossible to write my own story while reading 92 essays a week! Let's just say... I was so sick of writing! It is summer and that means UPDATES! Please review and follow! Every time I get an email saying someone left a review, I get so excited! Thank you for waiting so patiently and especially to all of those that have been reading my story since the very beginning! You have waited entirely too long for this! I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 12 – Skeleton of Something More

Tonks didn't know how to feel about Snape taking up for her. She felt better knowing Remus got to hear an outsiders view on the situation, especially since Snape hates him, but her emotions were still confused about it all. She waited in the room until the coast was clear and headed to her assigned patrol duty location. During her duty, there were so many thoughts going on in her head. One thought being… _Why would Remus touch my leg under the table?_ Another thought that couldn't escape her mind was, _Why did he think Snape fancies me?_ It was a conundrum that Tonks couldn't solve on her own, yet she tried throughout her patrol to figure it out.

As the night turned to early morning, Snape patrolled his part of the grounds. In hopes to find something useful, Snape had been reading his book, _Deadly Curses of the Dark Arts_ , during his duty. He couldn't find the cure for Miss Bell's curse, and it bothered Snape because he always knew what to do. After all, he slowed down the spreading of Dumbledore's curse when he placed the cursed ring on his finger. He had a gut feeling that Draco was behind Katie Bell's attack, but he just didn't want to believe that Draco would take that risk without consulting him. Deep down Snape knew that in order to cure Miss Bell as quickly as possible, he must at least try to ask Draco about it. He desperately needed to break the curse before it did any neurological damage to the poor girl. Once he finished the book for the third time that day, he decided he would speak to Draco right then. After all, both of their lives were on the line.

Snape reached the stone wall to the Slytherin Common Room Entrance. He whispered, "Pure Bloods," and an entrance revealed itself leading him straight to his desired destination. As Snape made his way down the stairs, he heard voices whispering in panic, "Hurry, put it away. Someone is coming." When Snape appeared into the view of the culprits, he wasn't surprised to find Pansy Parkinson and her crew.

"Oh, Professor, what a surprise!" Pansy stated innocently.

Snape's face was serious and his tone sarcastic. "Indeed. What a surprise to see you students up at this time of night."

Pansy tried to play it off as if it were sleep insomnia. "Well we couldn't sleep, sir."

"And may I ask, why?" Snape asked in disbelief.

"We were a bit shaken up from the attack on Katie today." Pansy tried to seem afraid and vulnerable, but the look on Snape face showed her that he wasn't buying a single word. She continued, "…But now that you're here…" Pansy looked Snape up and down with admiration, "…we feel much safer."

Snape's expression was inexistent. He was used to the Slytherin girls flirting with him. They admired him because he was the Dark Lord's right hand man. Snape retorted sarcastically, "Yes, because you care so much for the well-being of the Gryffindor students." He rolled his eyes and looked over at Millicent Bulstrode commanding, "Miss Bulstrode, go fetch Draco for me. Tell him to meet me outside the common room." He turned his attention to the other two girls and ordered, "As for you two ladies, go back to your dormitories."

The two girls sighed in disappointment, especially Pansy. While the other girl walked up the stairs, Pansy walked over to Snape. Once the other girl was out of hearing range, Pansy asked flirtatiously, "-But, sir… Are you not going to punish me? I mean… I could use a nice punishment from you." Snape had too much going on to deal with this ridiculousness, he couldn't believe Pansy was going to try and flirt her way out of this.

"Of course, I almost forgot…" Snape teased, Pansy's eyes lit up as though she actually had a shot with her professor. "I'm deducting twenty-five points for your friends, and fifty points for your ill-disciplined performance, Miss Parkinson."

She had a pouty look on her face, which was probably the same expression she used to manipulate boys her age and asked bravely, "Professor, don't you feel like fifty points is a bit much for some innocent flirting? I can't help myself!" She bit her lip seductively as she awaited his response.

"You know…listening to how pathetic your attempt was… I say that was worth fifty. Now… seeing as though you truly believed I would change my mind is worth seventy five. What do you think?" Pansy rolled her eyes and stormed off. Once Pansy stomped up the stairs like a spoiled brat, Millicent retrieved Draco.

Snape turned and exited of the common room, Draco following a short distance behind. Snape walked down the corridor a bit farther until he reached his classroom. As soon as Draco entered behind Snape, he immediately asked uneasy, "Do you have a message from the Dark Lord?"

"No, Draco, I need to discuss other matters with you." Snape stated with relief.

Draco jumped to conclusions and asked eagerly, "You mean how we are going to complete our mission?"

"Not that either." Snape replied with annoyance in his tone.

Draco was aggravated and "What else could be important enough to drag me out of bed at this time of night?"

Snape was not in the mood to deal with a teenage attitude, so he decided to cut to the chase and ask bluntly, "Where were you when the attack occurred? I need to know."

Draco immediately became aggressive and replied, "Why does it matter? It's not like I had anything to do with any of it!"

Snape knew how to read people quite well, and he could tell that Draco was hiding something. Snape confessed, "Well, the package was meant to be delivered to Professor Dumbledore, and I believe that raises some suspicion."

"Yeah and I'm sure I'm not the only person who has it in for that old bat." Draco pointed out with cheekiness.

"You dare take that tone with me? After everything I am doing for you! Both of our lives are on the line for this, and I will not have you kill us both due to your ignorance." Snape realized that he was out of line. For all he knew, Draco could actually be innocent. The curse that was on that necklace seemed quite advanced for a sixth year student; however, Draco also has outside help from other Death Eaters. "Look, a girl is going to die if I can't figure out a way to stop this curse. I would hope that if you knew a way I could stop this, you would assist me."

"I had nothing to do with it." Draco stated as he walked out of the classroom.

Snape was too frustrated to try and stop him. About that time a loud chime sounded in his classroom notifying Snape that it was two o'clock in the morning. Knowing it was time to meet up with Tonks, he rapidly headed to the seventh floor corridor as his cloak billowed behind each step.

Seeing Tonks' red, long locks from afar, teased Snape's emotions with every step he took closer to her. _Identical_ is all he could think when he saw her. The paranoid voice in his head wondered if she figured out who Lily was, and he wondered if she was playing games with his emotions on purpose. He took a deep breath and pushed those crimpling thoughts out of his mind and spoke calmly, "How did your night go?" He desperately wanted it to be Lily's face that greeted his when she turned around.

"The usual, nothing." She said as she turned around. Snape could see that something was upsetting her. Before Snape could ask her what was on her mind, Tonks opened up to him. "I feel so useless."

"Useless? How could someone like you ever feel useless?" Snape was stunned by his words, but he couldn't help but wonder why someone that has everything going for them would ever feel useless.

"Not doing my job. I was ordered to do one thing, patrol Hogsmeade, and a girl was attacked in the same place I was supposed to be patrolling." Snape understood exactly where Tonks was coming from. He also was in the same place as she. "How are they ever going to take me serious and give me a shot if I keep messing up?"

Snape stretched out his arm and placed his hand on her shoulder. "You're not useless. You've got to start thinking logically. Don't beat yourself up about something that was out of your control. Today was out of our hands and I, as well as multiple other chaperones, all share the blame. The girl was attacked in the loo by a cursed object, not right in the middle of town square. There is no possible way to catch everything. " Snape took his hand off her shoulder because he didn't want to make this moment awkward and uncomfortable for her."

"Unless…" Tonks responded seriously.

"Unless what?" Snape asked seeming intrigued, he couldn't think of a solution.

"Unless we start escorting every student to the loo!" Tonks joked cynically.

Snape answered honestly, "Well I'd be damned to be a part of that duty!" Tonks laughed out loud. Hearing Tonks laugh made him chuckle.

Tonks was flabbergasted; she had never heard Snape laugh, and she was sure she was the first to witness it. "He laughs… I feel privileged to witness such a celestial event." Tonks added humorously.

Snape got serious and reacted "Well…don't get used to it."

Tonks felt sad and retorted disappointingly, "It's a shame… you have a nice laugh and smile."

Snape tried hard not to blush, and he didn't. He kept his strong stoned face blank. "Well it's getting late and I've got a lot of research to do in order to stop that curse." Snape hurriedly stated before the conversation got even more awkward.

"Do you need any help?" Tonks questioned politely.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll manage. Goodnight Nymphadora." Snape said as he turned around and began leaving toward his private chambers.

"Goodnight, Professor." Tonks replied.

Snape turned around and added. "Please…call me Severus."

"Alright." Tonks agreed and added.

Snape was surprised by her response. "That's it?" Snape asked.

Tonks seemed confused by his question and asked, "What do you mean?"

"I thought you might say, "Only if you call me Tonks" or something along those lines."Snape sassed.

Tonks chuckled, "Actually, I don't mind that you call me by my wretched name."

"Really? If I'm not mistaken, you hate to be called by your first name. I remember numerous occasions where you've insisted I call you Tonks." Severus remarked.

Tonks inquired jokingly, "Then why have you tortured me all these years?"

"I find annoying you quite enjoyable." Snape confessed. Tonks could not believe he was telling her this. "So why don't you care now?" Snape questioned, he couldn't help but wonder why she would let him be the only person who called her by a name she despised so much.

Tonks smirked, "I don't know. I suppose I just like the way you say it. Goodnight, Severus."

She turned around and walked away, leaving Snape dumbfounded. He didn't know what to think of her response and she couldn't believe she just flirted with her ex professor. She blamed it on both of them being sleep deprived. Tonks thought that all she needed was a solid nights rest, and she would be able to think straight in the morning. Little did she know that there was a lot more to come of this night then she would've ever dreamed of.


	13. This Night Must End

**A/N: I'm back for another promised chapter. It is the longest one yet! If there are any grammar mistakes, I will get to them. I read it through three times, but my beta isn't responding. We are finally to the good stuff (wink wink) this is the part where things start to get spicy! I hope you all are ready for this! I am so sorry for the forever wait. My three jobs are taking over my life! I will update and finish this story, but we got a lot more to come! Please follow if you are enjoying it because when I do update, you will know. Please favor and review! Reviews are what get me inspired to write more. Happy Reading and I hope you Enjoy!**

Chapter 13- This Night Must End

Tonks made it back to the Three Broomsticks a little after two in the morning. She was utterly exhausted; however, she was wired mentally. Unable to process the events that transpired earlier, Tonks decided it was one of those nights to drink her some sanity instead of dwelling on crimpling thoughts.

The Three Broomsticks was slammed with many patrons. The little pub was always busy this time of night on the weekends. The recent darkness weakening the wizarding world made everyone uneasy at night. Witches and wizards seemed to need an escape as of late, and Hogsmeade Village was one of the few safe locations left even though an innocent student was attacked only a few hours ago. Tonks glanced around the pub before sitting down at the bar. As an auror, she was trained to scope out her surroundings just as Mad Eye taught her. " _constant vigilance_ " she told herself with a smile. "One Firewhisky, please Merta, and make it a double." Rosemerta nodded in acknowledgement, and while she made Tonks' order, Tonks looked over at the patrons singing "This is the Night" by her favorite band, The Weird Sisters. When Rosemerta came back with Tonks' order, Tonks thought it strange that she didn't ask for money. Tonks thought that maybe Rosemerta thought she was staying longer and was keeping a tab.

While Tonks drank her drinks, she was entertained by a drunken singing group having the time of their lives. She couldn't help but envy the happiness and fun they were having. She thought about the times Sirius, Remus, and herself would get drunk at Grimmauld Place. They used to laugh until they passed out. Sirius would always tell the funniest stories about his Marauder pranks while Remus tried to hide his affection for her from Sirius. They would sneak around their passion and almost got caught on multiple occasions.

Tonks remembered the night of Sirius' death the most as it was probably the best memory she had of him.

*Flashback*

It was just past dusk at 12 Grimmauld Place, and Sirius was in the study. Tonks had just finished with work and walked in the door. Grimmauld place always looked melancholy, but Sirius' presence helped lighten the bleakness of the place.

She heard his voice call out to her in the distance, "Tonks is that you?" He knew it had to be her because Remus was already upstairs recovering from the full moon.

"Yes!" She answered while walking down the hallway. She turned the corner to the study entrance and made eye contact with him. His appearance was almost recovered from the twelve years he spent in Azkaban. She walked over to the sofa and sat down next to him.

He proclaimed while patting her knee. "I almost didn't think it was you."

"Why is that?"

"Well usually you make a lot of racket and wake up my wretched mother." He teased.

Tonks remarked, "If you would throw away that stupid troll leg, people wouldn't trip over it."

"You are the only person who has." He joked. Tonks rolled her eyes, and Sirius agreed. "I guess it can go in the bin first thing in the morning, it is a bit grotesque and not to mention ethnically insensitive."

Tonks nodded in agreement. "It really is." They both laughed. "How's Remus?" Tonks asked. Anytime she mentioned Remus, Sirius always gave her a sly look that made her fidgety. "What's with the third degree?"

"Oh dear cousin, you know I'm not naïve? I know there is something going on with my best mate. I don't think I have ever seen him this happy before."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. We are just friends."

"Whatever you say, Tonksie. I guess I'm just hearing things at night. You know this house might be big, but the walls are paper thin." Tonks' face was beat red. She was a trained auror and could play off anything, but the thought of Sirius overhearing Remus and her late night romps was just embarrassing. "And I thought having a werewolf in the house was noisy." He gave her a wink.

Tonks hit him on the arm and said, "Stop it! You're just stir crazy and putting too much stock into your delusions."

"That face told me everything I needed to know. I'm actually hurt that neither of you told me."

"I think it is more Remus than me. I honestly don't mind if everyone knows."

"I figured that. Remus is a complicated man. What I have learned about him is that I don't think he believes he deserves to be happy. He has let his condition get the best of him, and there will be times when he will try to push you away. DO NOT LET HIM! Remus is a great man and deserves everything in life, but his insecurities will be his downfall."

Tonks couldn't help but be cheeky. "So is this the, "he is my best friend. You hurt him, I hurt you," speech?"

Sirius chuckled. He placed his arm around her and continued. "I am so glad you both have found each other. You are just as stubborn to keep him in line, that's the Black side in you."

About that time, a silver doe bounced its way into the study. "Lily?" Sirius questioned shockingly, looking as though he had seen a ghost.

Snape's voice spoke out of the patronus. "Potter believes Sirius has been taken hostage by the Dark Lord. He must have found the link between their minds. Potter was caught by Umbridge trying to escape to the Department of Mysteries and is nowhere to be found."

"GO wake up Remus!" Sirius ordered Tonks.

After that, everything was a blur of chaos.

Back then she would have never traded those memories for anything, yet looking back at them now only sent pain to her heart. Sirius is dead, and Remus wanted nothing to do with her, so now she just wished she could forget all the memoires. Thinking about that particular memory did solve a mystery in her mind. Snape's lover was in fact Lily Potter, and his patronus was the same as hers. The look on Sirius face when the silver doe pranced its way through the study that night was proof. Everything Snape told her about her patronus being weak was because he was also talking about himself. No wonder everyone believed him to be cold and heartless. Tonks knew exactly how he felt and the soreness he holds under that cold exterior.

A tear escaped down her cheek as she stood up getting out her wallet. She wiped her face quickly before anyone noticed and requested, "Alright Merta, what's my damage?"

"Oh I forgot to tell you, it's paid for." Merta stated nonchalantly while tending to other patrons.

Shockingly Tonks responds, "Paid! By Whom?" Tonks looked around in confusion. She didn't see anyone she knew in the pub, and she knew Snape was in his chambers. She had no idea who it could be. Tonks looked back at Rosemerta in utter confusion, and Merta nods in the direction of a heavy set gentleman in the back of the Three Broomsticks. About that time, the gentleman sat down and revealed Remus Lupin.

Tonks and Remus made brief eye contact, and he noticed her disappointment. Overwhelmed with anger and panic, Tonks fled to her room to quickly get away from him. Noticing Tonks abrupt dismissal, Lupin jumped out of his seat and followed after her. Tonks barely made it to her room and slammed the door before Remus could stop her. Out of breath, Tonks leaned her back against the door and waited for Remus to get the courage to speak.

Remus slowly approached the door thinking about choosing his next words carefully. He felt absolutely terrible about his actions during the Order meeting earlier. While resting his head on the door, he spoke calmly, "Dora… I know I should not be here… I… I came here to… I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry." Tonks heard the sincerity and sorrow in his voice, but she still kept the door shut. She was trying hard to hold back the tears from the pain. It took everything in her power to not open the door, embrace him, and forgive him for all the pain he caused her.

Remus continued to confess, "Seeing you storm off… avoiding me eariler…it killed me… I felt like dirt." He paused for a few seconds holding back the pain. Tonks knew because she eavesdropped on Remus and Snape's conversation. "Look, I know it was completely inappropriate to touch you during the meeting. And I know I shouldn't be here now, but I had to see you. I know it is extremely selfish of me" trailing off in frustration, he hits his head on the door as he spoke "But damn, Dora! You don't understand how hard it was to be so close to you and not be able to touch you."

Fury was all Tonks could muster. How dare Remus tell her that she didn't understand what that felt like. Not being able to hold the fury back any longer, she opened the door calmly. The type of anger where the person is peacefully unpredictable was pulsing through her.

She saw how much of a mess Remus was, and said coolly, "That's where you're wrong Remus… I know exactly how it feels. In fact, I know how it feels to be unloved. I know how it feels to be rejected, miserable, and to not be able to embrace the person that can cure all my heartache and agony."

"That's not fair, Dora. You know exactly why I ended matters between us."

"No, what's not fair is that you think can walk back into my life after months of me trying to find a way to cope with losing you and think "I'm sorry" is going to fix everything."

Remus had never felt so low and agreed. "You're right, I was just being selfish. I lost control and got jealous."

"Jealous? Of Whom?" Tonks had no idea what he was talking about.

"Snape. When I ended relations with you, I wanted you to find someone young and whole not as old as me and just as broken. He is a Death Eater for Merlin's sake!"

Tonks was speechless. She was stunned but knew she had to clarify. "There is nothing going on between Severus and me, and if there was, it would be none of your business. You dumped me, destroyed me, you do not get to choose who I date."

"I know it's insane. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess it is because he gets to be around you and make you smile." Tonks recalled during the meeting when Snape and her exchanged looks about how she got into the castle. That one little smile set him off like a jealous, hormone ridden teenager.

"Make me smile? Remus you really have lost your mind." Tonks rolled her eyes with a smirk. She couldn't help but love seeing him jealous and upset. It just proved that he did still care about her. What Tonks didn't know was that people always seem to eat lies when their hearts are famished.

"I have." Remus couldn't stop himself. Remus placed his hand on her cheek softly and caressed her cheek with his fingers.

Tonks was overwhelmed with passion and seductively closed the gap between them and brought her lips close to his, the temptation weakening both of them.

"I want you to know that you will never be unloved." Remus whispered.

"Why is that?" Tonks asked teasingly. Tonks knew this was it! The pain was soon to be over. She knew Remus was about to crack all because Snape made her smile.

"Because I will never stop loving you." Remus replied. Her heart was about to lift out of her chest and float away. Tonks could feel Remus lips very close to hers and she closed her eyes just waiting for the tender touch of his lips. "I have to do right by you, and this is why I must do this to you now before I can't stop myself." Remus pulled away stealthily and turned around in a hurry. Tonks opened her eyes and saw Remus' back toward her walking down the hallway hurriedly.

"REMUS! Please don't do this to me again!" she pleaded in panic. She was a pawn in his game where he already had the upper hand. She couldn't help but hate him.

Remus ignored her and kept walking. Tonks did not chase after him, in fact, she didn't even shed a tear. Her brain was full of chaos, but her body was calm. It was like her rage was painfully trying to scratch its way through her skin, but she didn't flinch at the discomfort. She didn't know if it was her rebellious nature or what, but her feet lead her to a place she never would've thought existed in her subconscious.

Tonks was standing outside a large wooden door and knocked. A moment later, she was greeted by a surprised Severus Snape. He moved aside welcoming her in. "I guess you couldn't sleep?" Snape asked casually, trying to help aid the awkwardness.

"Something like that." Tonks responded. She walked into the room removing her cloak.

Snape was a bit put off by her behavior. He decided to turn around and sort through the books he was researching. He picked up the books he wanted her to look through and explained, "Now, here are some of the books I've pulled from the library. If you could just read through…" Snape continued to explain, but Tonks was not listening. She didn't know what led her to his chambers; however, she knew it was not for research. Tonks needed a temporary distraction, and something led her to Snape's chambers of all places.

She walked toward Snape, and he turned around with the books intended for her in his hands. Once Snape made eye contact with Tonks, something seemed peculiar. Snape stopped talking immediately, and tilted his head to the right with his eyes squinted and asked, "Nymphadora, are you even paying attention." Tonks shook her head no, and coiled her fingers around the books in his hands. Snape argued, "Well at least you haven't changed. You're the same little girl sitting in my class daydreaming and ignoring vital information. If you're not going to listen, Nymphadora, why are you even here?"

Tonks placed the books on the end table by the couch, and Snape was baffled by her actions. He knew something was off with Tonks, and she wasn't in her right mind. Before he could muster up what he was going to say to her, she closed small gap between them. Snape knew what was about to happen and opened his mouth to object when Tonks put her hand up stopping him from continuing.

"Please" she pleaded desperately, "I need this tonight,"

Tonks placed her lips upon his slowly yet forcefully. Snape couldn't help himself and kissed her back. It has been too long since both of them felt wanted, desired even. Tonks took control naturally and guided him to sit on the couch, straddling him without breaking their osculation. Snape placed his hands on Tonks' hips and lightly caressed the exposed skin at her jean line. Pleasure overtook her, and she began to trail her kisses down his neck.

Once their lips separated, Snape opened his eyes and realized what was happening. Before he could pull away from her embrace, Tonks placed a few kisses on his neck. Even though he felt uneasy about what was happening, Snape couldn't help but give in. She began running her fingers through his black hair and her lips trailed to his collar bone. A soft moan escaped his lips, "Ummm…Nmphadora." Snape was trying to stop this from escalating; he just couldn't find the words or strength. He was hypnotized in lust. Tonks ignored him and continued. She placed her fingers on the top button of his shirt and unbuttoned it, kissing the new exposed skin. When she unbuttoned the second button, he snapped out of his drunken stupor. "Nymphadora, we can't."

Tonks didn't hesitate; she now unbuttoned his third button. "Shhhh…" she placed her index finger over his lips and continued.

While she trailed her lips down his chest more and more, he snapped completely out of his seduced daze and demanded, "That is enough. This is absurd." He grabbed her forcefully and pulled her off of him. ""We are both knackered, and this is exceedingly inappropriate and unethical."

"Inappropriate…Unethical? How so you're not my professor anymore?" She looked at him with agitation and misperception.

Snape couldn't believe that Tonks didn't see the flaw in pursuing this. "Come on, you know as well as I why this cannot happen."

"Actually I don't. Is it my age? My looks? My blood status?" Tonks was out of her right mind to the point where she was just coming up with random ideas in her head.

"Do you really think those things matter to me?" Snape seemed hurt by her accusations. Did she really think this low of him? He thought.

"Well something does or you would've shagged me by now!" The look on Snape's face was priceless. He could not believe what he was hearing. "Please tell me you have had sex before."

Looking at Tonks like she was a simpleton, he knew she had to be kidding. "Really?" he questioned.

"I mean…no one ever sees you with anyone."

"Just because I'm a private person doesn't mean...i cannot believe I'm about to tell you this. Of course I have, not that it is any of your business!"

"Look, all I need is a distraction, and I'm sure you need to release some built up aggression. That's all this will be." She placed her hands on his trousers and was about to unbutton them when Snape grabbed her hand.

"If only it were that easy." He was stern.

Tonks was annoyed. She couldn't believe that a man would ever pass on the opportunity to have sex. "Why does everything have to be so complex with you?"

"Because Nymphadora, I'm not him." Snape revealed honestly.

"And I'm not her." She snapped back at him.

"Exactly! It doesn't solve anything. It only makes matters worse. We will never be able to fill the permanent void they have left in our lives."

She pleaded, "Why do they get to come out on top and leave us to suffer?"

"Because life is worth nothing without the one you love, and they did not love us enough to stay." Snape sat on the couch next to Tonks and tried to reason with her. He needed to get through to her that the path she is on will only make things worse.

"Can we not at least try to fill the void?" Tonks begged desperately.

"Trust me, I have. You cannot let loneliness drive you into the arms of someone you know you don't belong with. Please learn from my many mistakes and go." He didn't want to turn her away, but he knew that her staying around would just make things harder for the both of them.

The aching was evident in her voice. Snape couldn't help but feel for her. He knew exactly how she felt, and he knew that she would try to bury herself in someone else. In all honesty, it does help a person distract themselves from the pain; however, the consequence is becoming a numb, resentful person in return. He was walking proof of the result. "There has got to be a way to get through this?" she sobbed.

"I'm afraid there's not." Tonks not liking his answer turned around calmly and grabbed her cloak. While walking toward the door, Snape apologized, "Nymphadora, I'm sorry I am no help to you."

"Save it! I've had enough fake apologies from disappointing men for a lifetime." She left Snape's chambers. Once she was at a good distance away, she knelt down on the cobblestone floor and broke down. She had been strong the entire day and night and couldn't take anymore. Tonks just let it all come crashing down in the halls of a place she once called home.

 **A/N: Please follow, favor, and review for my updates! especially if you want more soon**


End file.
